MC HAMMER PHD ON
BATTLE ROYALE II
BATTLE ROYALE II
Hammertime – The Asian Connection
Y’all can’t be touching dis, said the Hammer, when
I stepped into the room that I might look at a film
by the name of Battle Royale II, and see some
Japanese teenagers get blown up and shot and with
the guts and the Hammertime.
Hammer don’t like Battle Royale too much, on
account of the shitness of it all, but I thought
this one would be better, since it’s directed by
the son of the brother what did the first one, and
so probably would be louder if nothing else. Hammer
scream at his offspring, “Y’all better turn down
that hippin and a hoppin and the smacking my bitch
up!” They all say “Screw y’all, Daddio!” So I
figured this was gonna be a screw y’all to the
daddio’s in the audience. But weren’t no daddios
screwed far as I could tell.
The film opens with the titles, so y’all know
you're watching the right movie, for sure, and
Hammer was glad, since ten minutes in I thought I
was watching The Thin Metal Jacket, with all the
whinin’ and the shootin’ and the hoopla. Hammer
say, “Bitch, please, y’all better start gettin’
better.” But it didn’t get better. Kids be dyin,
and they all be yackin’ on and spoutin’ off about
“Ooh, please win this war and remember me”, cause
oh yeah, they all got sent into battle. Hammer
supposed to care bout these folks he only met ten
minutes ago, hell no. Hammer don’t give a shit in a
pastry bout these self-obsessed spawn.
Then Beat Takeshi shows up, even though he dies in
the first one, and he don’t even have the decency
to get all Violent Cop on our asses and lay down
the Hammertime. He just walks into a room where his
spoilt daughter complains cause he got her birthday
wrong, and then he leaves, never mentioned again.
Terrorists been getting’ all uppity, y’see, and
start blowin’ shit up no end. Buildin’s crumble,
shit explodes, peoples skulls get blown apart. But
we supposed to say, Oh, it’s OK, cause the grown-
ups are all like that teacher who snarls and ticks
like a Hyena with Tourettes, before changing his
mind and saying “Fuck y’all, I wanna play me some
football!” Cause he really loves the kids, even
though he’s killed loads of them, and with the
snarlin’ and the tickin’.
But Hammer supposed to go “Oh, how smart, cause
it's all a big joke!” Well let me tell you bout
this other big joke. Fool come up to Hammer and say
“Pull my finger”, and Hammer tugged on the
brother's digit, and brother did an ass-gas. This
movie is a big ass-gas on my face. And then it
says, “Ha, y'all ain’t smart enough to get the
humour”. Well, Hammer-Time out, y’all hacks, just
cause it’s shit don’t mean it’s funny. Y’all gonna
be tellin’ me that the John Travolta alien film
about God was all a big satire, and Hammer should
be laughin’, well Hammer ain’t laughin’, Hammer
sayin’, “Hey! John Travolta! Get your disco dancin’
forehead groovin’ to the Bee Gee’s, or y’all can
get the hell off my field of vision!”
This movie sucks like the Hammer’s sister at the
weekend, and after two hours of stupid shit it
expects us to go “awww” cause of some other even
stupider shit at the end. Y’all ain’t heroes, y’all
are stupid whinin’ malcontents in a stupid shitty
film that likes to think it’s gettin’ all
controversial and satirical, but really it’s just a
badly-written piece of dogshit not fit to be tread
on by the Hammer’s Air Jordan’s. Controversial
don't mean good, y’all, unless it’s regarding the
Prince song. Y’all can make a movie about shooting
the queen, but if y’all don’t make it half decent,
I don’t care what you say, your movie’s gonna chug
balls.
Hammertime out, y’all.
Y’all can’t be touching dis, said the Hammer, when
I stepped into the room that I might look at a film
by the name of Battle Royale II, and see some
Japanese teenagers get blown up and shot and with
the guts and the Hammertime.
Hammer don’t like Battle Royale too much, on
account of the shitness of it all, but I thought
this one would be better, since it’s directed by
the son of the brother what did the first one, and
so probably would be louder if nothing else. Hammer
scream at his offspring, “Y’all better turn down
that hippin and a hoppin and the smacking my bitch
up!” They all say “Screw y’all, Daddio!” So I
figured this was gonna be a screw y’all to the
daddio’s in the audience. But weren’t no daddios
screwed far as I could tell.
The film opens with the titles, so y’all know
you're watching the right movie, for sure, and
Hammer was glad, since ten minutes in I thought I
was watching The Thin Metal Jacket, with all the
whinin’ and the shootin’ and the hoopla. Hammer
say, “Bitch, please, y’all better start gettin’
better.” But it didn’t get better. Kids be dyin,
and they all be yackin’ on and spoutin’ off about
“Ooh, please win this war and remember me”, cause
oh yeah, they all got sent into battle. Hammer
supposed to care bout these folks he only met ten
minutes ago, hell no. Hammer don’t give a shit in a
pastry bout these self-obsessed spawn.
Then Beat Takeshi shows up, even though he dies in
the first one, and he don’t even have the decency
to get all Violent Cop on our asses and lay down
the Hammertime. He just walks into a room where his
spoilt daughter complains cause he got her birthday
wrong, and then he leaves, never mentioned again.
Terrorists been getting’ all uppity, y’see, and
start blowin’ shit up no end. Buildin’s crumble,
shit explodes, peoples skulls get blown apart. But
we supposed to say, Oh, it’s OK, cause the grown-
ups are all like that teacher who snarls and ticks
like a Hyena with Tourettes, before changing his
mind and saying “Fuck y’all, I wanna play me some
football!” Cause he really loves the kids, even
though he’s killed loads of them, and with the
snarlin’ and the tickin’.
But Hammer supposed to go “Oh, how smart, cause
it's all a big joke!” Well let me tell you bout
this other big joke. Fool come up to Hammer and say
“Pull my finger”, and Hammer tugged on the
brother's digit, and brother did an ass-gas. This
movie is a big ass-gas on my face. And then it
says, “Ha, y'all ain’t smart enough to get the
humour”. Well, Hammer-Time out, y’all hacks, just
cause it’s shit don’t mean it’s funny. Y’all gonna
be tellin’ me that the John Travolta alien film
about God was all a big satire, and Hammer should
be laughin’, well Hammer ain’t laughin’, Hammer
sayin’, “Hey! John Travolta! Get your disco dancin’
forehead groovin’ to the Bee Gee’s, or y’all can
get the hell off my field of vision!”
This movie sucks like the Hammer’s sister at the
weekend, and after two hours of stupid shit it
expects us to go “awww” cause of some other even
stupider shit at the end. Y’all ain’t heroes, y’all
are stupid whinin’ malcontents in a stupid shitty
film that likes to think it’s gettin’ all
controversial and satirical, but really it’s just a
badly-written piece of dogshit not fit to be tread
on by the Hammer’s Air Jordan’s. Controversial
don't mean good, y’all, unless it’s regarding the
Prince song. Y’all can make a movie about shooting
the queen, but if y’all don’t make it half decent,
I don’t care what you say, your movie’s gonna chug
balls.
Hammertime out, y’all.
