Ignorant Git - He's Such A Git. And Really, Really Ignorant, Too

So this is Easter, and what have you done?
NOTHING, I’ll bet. Lazing around watching the
SHITE all over the fucking telly, thinking just
because you got a day off of work, OR A DAY OFF
FROM SCROUNGING OFF THE DHSS you can just turn
into some kind of TRAMP for a time. Unless you
acted like a TRAMP before, in which case I don’t
know what you look like now, but rest assured I’d
SPIT IN YOUR FACE before I’d give you the price of
a cup of CRACK.

Easter means something you HEATHEN FUCKERS. Yes,
we all like to watch LOST IN SPACE with Joey off
of WILL AND GRACE, but there’s more to it all.
There’s something about a RABBIT and also
CHOCOLATE. I can’t eat chocolate. IT GIVES ME THE
FUCKING RUNS.

Two thousand years ago, MOSES WAS KILLED BY THE
ROMANS. This is what EASTER means. He was probably
enjoying some CHOCOLATE and watching the EASTER
FILM, something along the lines of SUPERMAN III or
maybe JESUS OF NAZARETH over two nights. THIS IS
WHAT EASTER MEANS.

He was pulled out of bed in the middle of the
night FOR A CRIME HE DIDN’T COMMIT, MOST LIKELY,
and then scourged, flogged, mocked and such.

Nowadays nobody cares. FUCK MOSES they say.
Where's my EGG THING MADE OUT OF MARS BARS?
Where's that POSSESSED RABBIT with my MILKY WAY?

You think MOSES got a MILKY WAY for Easter? He
fucking did NOT. He got beaten and spat on and
then something with whipping over and over. NO
MARS BARS FOR MOSES, was the decree.

You people SICKEN me. No sooner was MOSES in his
grave than you forgot all about him. Ooh, it’s a
day off work, it’s a film on BBC1 starring BRAD
PITT. It’s a MICHAEL PARKINSON SPECIAL with all
the times he interviewed BILLY CONNOLLY. It’s 400
hours of POPULAR IDOL XTRA.

This Easter what I’ll be doing, as usual, is
nailing myself to the clothes line in MEMORY OF
MOSES. This year I intend to do it at the corner
of the house, rather than in the back kitchen,
since there’s more chance the MUSLIMS across the
road might see. You think they care about EASTER?
They come to our country and take the jobs I
couldn’t be bothered doing, and they don’t even
RESPECT THE CRUCIFIED MOSES. If I went to live in
a Buddhist country, you can be sure I’d be on my
knees every morning on one of those CARPETS,
praying and dancing. I MIGHT EVEN LISTEN TO THE
BEATLES WHILST DOING SO. The reason for this is
because I respect that when I move to a country I
should immediately learn ALL THERE IS TO LEARN
about the state religion, be it Krishna or JEW or
Liberal Democrat. I would feel like a WORTHLESS
TRAMP if I left the airport without knowing EVERY
NUANCE OF THEIR CHOSEN WITCHERY.

You sicken me you HEATHEN NON-CHRISTIAN MOSES
DENIERS.

Concerned, Bristol, UK

Imagine my shock when I find this in the post-box.
Can a man not go for a shite in this day and age
without a legion of pansies questioning his
whereabouts? Can I not even WIPE MY ARSE without
someone looking in to make sure I do it right, from
inside out?

Since you can’t bear not to know you NOSEY FUCKER,
I can tell you that where I was, was on a holiday.
I decided to pack my bags and "get away from it
all" for a while, so I went to see a TRAVEL
ADVISOR, who advised me where best to TRAVEL.

He had a tie that looked like the mangled shite of
a tape-worm riddled HOUND. I LIKED HIM VERY MUCH.
He was called Harold.

Harold advised me to travel somewhere exotic, but
not someplace totally ALIEN like GLASGOW or VENUS.
I decided to move into the house next door for a
month. IT WAS VERY ENJOYABLE. The weather was
great. DIFFERENT STANDARD OF LIVING. I found it
very amusing how the TV CHANNELS were different.
Where maybe I would see the news at 10 O’CLOCK, on
holiday it might be a film, maybe NURSES GETTING
SAUCY, I.E., RIMMING TRAMPS FOR MONEY. Thankfully I
could turn it over to the news if I wanted. THIS
WAS VERY CONSIDERATE OF THE FOREIGNERS.

Another letter shoved in my box;

Dear Ignorant Git

I know you are not a medical practitioner, and
probably not a psychoanalyst, but I was wondering
if you could assess my behaviour. I have always
found myself attracted to wild animals. Not in a
sexual sense, you understand, it's just that I
wanted to have sex with them. Anyhow, I recently
admitted this to my wife, and now she dresses up
like a deer when we are intimate. Also, could you
settle an argument – How old was Moses when he
died? Thank you.

Arthur Q, Pittsburgh, USA

Arthur Q, you are correct in assuming that I am not
a doctor of mentals, but I will nonetheless
diagnose you as a PONCEY CUNT. What kind of
behaviour is this to be getting on with? I didn’t
watch all those programmes about D-DAY just so as
you BASTARDS could pervert the world with your
pervert-spunk.

Here’s a story. One day I was walking along the
street and a WOMAN offered me a leaflet. I thought
it might be about a CHURCH BAR-B-Q, so I took it
and smiled. When I looked at it, I found it to be
nothing more than A FEMINIST TRACT. I marched right
back, spat on her shoes and said “YOU BETTER FORGET
I SMILED AT YOU, YOU PERVERT.”

Sexual liberation is all well and good, but only if
it’s a MAN AND A WOMAN WHO ARE MARRIED TO EACH
OTHER, AND IT ONLY LASTS FIVE MINUTES, AND THEY
DON'T SPEAK AFTERWARDS.

As to Moses, he was 25 when he was CRUCIFIED by the
ROMANS.

Another question I was asked;

“In your opinion, what makes Britain great? My
cousin says it’s the roads. I say the prisons. My
uncle says the government, but he’s been in jail
for 27 years after murdering a traffic-warden, so
don’t listen to a word the fucked-up old bastard
says.”

P. Warren, Hull

In my opinion, P. WARREN, you’re all WRONG IN THE
FUCKING TEETH. What makes Britain great is the
CAPITALISATION OF THE B. Back when we were called
britain, other countries laughed at us. Then, by
ROYAL FUCKING DECREE, we capitalised the B, and
next thing you know we’re THE MASTERS OF THE
FUCKING UNIVERSE, just like HE-MAN or LION-O.

What’s that you say, various colonies? We’re shit,
are we. HOW SHIT IS THIS, NOW THAT WE OWN EVERY
INCH OF YOU.

COLONIALISM WAS WRONG. STOP COLONIALISM, YOU
HEARTLESS FUCKERS.

I for one will be voting LIBERAL DEMOCRAT.

Shut up.

It turned out to be some survey or BOLLOCKS all
about a new radio station they plan on having.
LOAD OF FUCKING SHIT probably, but I signed the
thing anyway, in case he might try to ask me
for money or SODOMISE MY HOLE.

It asked what I listened to, if I liked the
HIPPING HOPS or somebody. I said I never
FUCKING HEARD OF THEM, but ticked the box next
to Classic Rock (EG BON JOVI). I want to hear
more BON JOVI on the radio, I told this man.
BON JOVI NEVER GOT NAKED AND MUD WRESTLED IN A
BIG RING, I pointed out, unlike this Carolina
Guillireria or WHOEVER THE FUCK SHE IS.

DIRTY BITCH, the song was called. I’M A DIRTY
BITCH I think was the chorus.

We didn’t advertise this kind of thing when I
was a young man, and if we did, we did it in a
FUCKING PHONE BOX, maybe with a picture and a
phone number, but a black bar over her eyes so
as she didn’t disgrace her family.

It also asked if I listened to any radio
stations at the minute. I FUCKING SPAT TO
MYSELF. As if I would listen to that WRETCHED
SCUM FILTH. If I listen to the music, what I’ll
do is put on a tape of maybe DEF LEPPARD
singing about SUGAR.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, when I got
home there was a PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST on
the television. Normally I don’t mind, but I
was hoping to see some DARTS.

This broadcast was on behalf of THE
CONSERVATIVE PARTY. What they were saying is
BRITAIN IS GOING DOWN ITS OWN COCK-HOLE. VOTE
FOR US, FUCKERS, AND WE WILL PICK UP BRITAIN
AND THEN DUST IT OFF A BIT, MAKE IT PRESENTABLE.

I took down the phone number at the end. It
said to ring if you wanted to know more. All it
was was a FUCKING ANSWERING MESSAGE however,
although some nice classical music was on in
the background. I WOULD VOTE CONSERVATIVE
BECAUSE THEY HAVE NICE CDS. ALSO, THEY WANT TO
CLEAN BRITAIN UP TO FUCK.

THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY is the only party who
will cater for a man like me. If you think like
me, and also WANT TO PUT A FUCKING END TO THE
CAROLINE GUILLERIARS then I say vote
conservative.

I would like to extend my sympathies to SHARON
OSBOURNE, who had her house burgled by FILTHY
FUCKING BURGLARS this week. Once, I almost had
my whole kitchen stolen, but thankfully no
burglars were around at the time. A MANS NOT
SAFE IN HIS OWN HOME ANYMORE, OR EVEN MOST
OTHER PEOPLES HOMES.

What with CHRISTMAS coming up, I decided to put
a tree up in the living room. A NICE OAK I
decided, and spent the most of yesterday
evening arranging it. Somebody up the street
has surrounded the house with lights, statues,
things. IT LOOKS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. Thankfully
someone complained to the council on account of
their young son got BLINDED by the fucking
contraption. There’s even a GLOWING JESUS on
the roof. JESUS DIDN’T GLOW EXCEPT FOR SOME
TIMES. It looks like a fucking RADIOACTIVE
VAGRANT. In fact, I intend to complain myself,
perhaps by writing an EMAIL to the GOVERNMENT.

Dear Government, I might say. I wish to FUCKING
COMPLAIN. Then I’ll talk about the STUPID HOUSE
OF GLOWING JESUS. Hopefully some sort of
sanctions will be implemented.

Mind you, THEY SENT ME A CHRISTMAS CARD.

IT’S ONLY NOVEMBER YOU PRICKS.

So my early Christmas message is BE KIND AND
HUMANE TO PEOPLE, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARDS.
Always be compassionate and caring. Love Thy
Neighbour. UNLESS YOU LIVE NEXT DOOR TO THE
STUPID HOUSE OF GLOWING JESUS. In that case,
feel free to consider them FUCKS.

Shut up.

MR JONES doesn’t say whether he is indeed the MR
JONES the BEE GEES were talking about, nor if he
has seen their wife, should he be the MR JONES in
question.

FOR FUTURE REFERENCE – Please include all details
of any relationship one has had with THE BEE GEES,
either thematically or lyrically or musically or
professionally or sexually in all correspondence.

What MR JONES had to say was this stuff here;

“With the Presidential Election coming up, I’d
like to know who you would vote for, if you were a
US citizen.”

Thank you MR JONES.

The answer is that I would vote for ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER. If any TALIBAN FUCKS tried to mess
with you then, he’d probably BLOW THEIR SKULLS
OPEN and then say something about “Take that,
TALIBAN FUCK” or another of his one-liners.

The email letter made my day, especially since I
was forced to listen to a load of FUCKING NOISE on
the bus earlier on. It was a 15 minute journey,
and the whole time was spent listening to some
hippity bop music or whatever it is they play
nowadays when they’re not SHOOTING EACH OTHERS
GUTS OUT. I think it might have been The Public
Enemas or one of those lot. They had put a bleep
over the bits where they said fuck and shit and
bastard and other swears, but I STILL KNEW IT WAS
THERE, underneath the beep.

YOU CAN’T FUCKING FOOL ME YOU BASTARDS.

It actually inspired me to write a letter to the
only newspaper that caters for people like me –
THE NEWS OF THE WORLD.

What I said was something along the lines of
children need to be out working from the age of
13, so as they don’t have time to be listening to
this shite, certainly not during the day time when
DECENT FUCKING CITIZENS like me are trying to get
to the shops on public transport without having to
suffer a head full of fucking filth.

I also said I would like MORE PICTURES OF ABI
TITMUS PLEASE, PREFERABLY NAKED ONES WHERE SHE HAS
NO CLOTHES ON WHATSOEVER.

I was very disheartened to see in the news that
CHRIS EVANS from the TFI FRIDAY SHOW has split up
with his young wife, BILLY THE PIPER. I wish MR
EVANS all the best, and would like to say that I
find him very handsome, and a treat for any young
lady to enjoy. BUT IF HE TRIES IT ON WITH ME I’LL
BREAK HIS FUCKING LEGS.

The other night I went to the PICTURE SHOW to see
the film ALIENS AND PREDATORS. This was THE BEST
FILM OF THE YEAR. Too many films nowadays worry
about the CGG and the SFX and so on, to the
detriment of FINE LOOKING ACTRESSES. The ALIEN AND
PREDATOR film had a very fine looking actress, and
also SPUD FROM THE FILM ABOUT TRAINS. I wouldn’t
have let that smack-head BASTARD get anywhere near
a military operation, but what the hell do I know?

The film is all about the ALIENS and the PREDATORS
fight each other. They do this again and again. IT
WAS FUCKING EXCEPTIONAL.

I fell asleep three times, but every time I awoke
there was something else interesting to look at.

Unlike in the film BAD BOYS, which was CRAP,
although they fixed it substantially with BAD BOYS
II. That one was the sequel to the first BAD BOYS,
and was much better.

Once, Hunky John And The Ploughmen threatened to
change their name to SEXY John And The Ploughmen,
but myself and several members of the local Baptist
church BEAT THEM SHITLESS in a car-park. That was
the end of it.

What needs to be done is for the Marilyn Menansons
or whoever and the Emityems to be taken into a car-
park, PREFERABLY OUTSIDE A LEISURE CENTRE, and
kicked stinking. BAN THIS SICK FILTHY CUM.

MUSIC DIED WITH BUDDY HOLLY’S HEAD.

What I have been doing of recently has been
watching the television, and IT SICKENS ME. Used to
be that females on the TV had to have their breasts
tied down with weights and cellotaped behind their
knees so as NOBODY KNEW THEIR TITS EXISTED.
Nowadays, even the news is a hive of cleavage, and
I dare say they plan to have them get naked and rub
their breasts over John Snow’s face whilst he
reports on THE TROUBLES IN NORTHERN IRELAND.

I wouldn’t mind if they were attractive, BUT THEY
ARE ONLY SLIGHTLY ATTRACTIVE.

I was intending to visit the local cinema of an
evening, but saw at least FOUR youths standing
outside SMOKING CRACK GANJA OF SOME KIND, so I
turned and made my way to the video store, but not
before SWEARING VERY LOUDLY so as those potential
Taliban’s know full well my UTTER FUCKING DISGUST.

At the video shop store, I found myself browsing
the DRAMA section, on account of I hoped for a film
starring RUSSEL CROWE as a doomed genius of some
kind. Maybe a biopic about a man knows a lot about
Latin BUT HE’S A MANIC DEPRESSIVE AND JUMPS OUT A
WINDOW.

I picked up a number called MY BEAUTIFUL MIND or
something, and I have to report that it was
BRILLIANT. This is the kinds of films I want to
see, ie, FUCKING GOOD ONES, about life-affirming
tales and a bit of mathematics.

1+3 = I’LL KICK YOUR FUCKING HEAD IN, QUENTIN
TORONTO

Some filthy spotty bastards were telling me about
this DVV carry-on, the films on a CD. I made sure
to purchase a DVV player on account of these acne-
riddled FUCKS assured me that this was the way
technology was headed, and that my VHS player would
probably EXPLODE TO FUCK in a matter of weeks. I
bought one of these things at CURRY’S, sold to me
by a young lass who couldn’t even button her shirt
the whole way up, and she wants to tell me about
TECHNOLOGY?

STOP WHORING YOURSELF AND MAYBE I’LL LISTEN, WHORE.

I have to say, if this is the way technology is
headed, then I’ll happily live in a cage eating
only passing Alsatians that I’ll beat to death with
sticks. FUCKING DVV IS CRAP.

The picture only fills half the screen for one
thing, AND THEY TRY TO TELL ME THIS IS SOMETHING I
SHOULD SUPPORT! The geek acne crowd tell me this
means I’m seeing more of the film, BUT HOW THE FUCK
AM I? MY VIDEO’S FILLED THE SCREEN, THIS SHITE ONLY
FILLS HALF AT THE MOST.

If these directors want to fill the top and bottom
of the screen with BLACK then that’s fine, BUT I
WANT “CONAN THE DESTROYER” TO FILL MY FUCKING
SCREEN. It’s like watching it on someone else’s
telly, on my knees outside the door, looking in the
letterbox like SOME FUCKING GYPSY.

I stormed into CURRYS and demanded half the money
back that I paid for my TOP OF THE RANGE TV, since
I can only watch half of the fucking thing now.
THEY PHONED THE POLICE.

I INTEND TO KILL TECHNOLOGY WITH VARIOUS BRICKS AND
ROCKS.

As a film fanatic, I have to say that THIS SUMMER
SUCKED SWEATY BOLLOCK ARSE. Every summer I look
forward to a good dose of explosions – THE CORE,
ARMAGEDDON, GODZILLA. This kind of thing.

All I got this summer was half an hour of SNOW
KILLING THE WORLD and a load of shite about Spider-
Boy wants to find himself. I’LL TELL YOU WHERE YOU
ARE, YOU'RE STANDING IN FRONT OF ME AND I PAID
EIGHT QUID FOR THE PRIVELEDGE. DO SOMETHING
INTERESTING AND VIOLENT.

I have to say I liked SQUID-MAN. He almost made it
all worthwhile. I liked how he ran up the sides of
buildings. THAT WAS FUCKING EXCEPTIONAL.

This brings me to the next topic – THE BEST FILM
EVER MADE. It is of course SUPERMAN 4 – THE QUEST
FOR PEACE. This film will be remembered as not only
the finest SUPERMAN but also the finest FILM EVER
MADE.

The story concerned Superman getting cloned, and
the result of this is NUCLEAR MAN. Nuclear Man is
the best clone ever, far better than that fucking
sheep, and also those bastards in the STAR WARS
FILM. Nuclear Man looks like he could be in a rock
band, with long blonde hair and muscles, THIS SHOWS
HOW EVIL HE IS. He could be in the Guns And Poisons
or whoever the kids listen to, and you wouldn’t
know. But Superman would know. HE KNOWS EVERYTHING,
INCLUDING WHAT YOU'RE WEARING UNDER YOUR COAT,
SINCE HE HAS X-RAY EYES.

Superman 4 didn’t spend a load of time with
Superman saying “Oh, I can’t do this because it
affects my aunt / my friends / my fucking
girlfriend who I’m too ascared to even kiss” – he
doesn’t give a FLYING FUCK, he has to stop NUCLEAR
MAN.

Also worthy of mention is SUPERMAN 3, where
Superman became bad but there was really two of
them. I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT ELSE HAPPENED.

Richard Pryor was in it I think, THE FILTHY MOUTHED
BASTARD.

For me, though, ie, the TAXPAYER, ie, THE ONE WHO
KEEPS THE BBFC IN A JOB, I find this cack to be
most repellent.

For bastard example, I went to see that film about
The Village the other week. Incidentally, what a
LOAD OF WANK. Half an hour into the bloody thing,
some pre-pubescent fuck starts wittering and
wailing. “Mummy mummy who’s that? Mummy mummy whos
this? Mummy mummy fucking bollocks?”

So what I did was I went to the toilets with my
mobile phone, which, I might add, was TURNED OFF
THROUGHOUT THE SCREENING, and also, it was
IMPOSSIBLE TO GET A SIGNAL. So I had to stand on
one of the toilets, covered in some caffeine and
sugar-riddled piss of some kind, no doubt, and
hold the damn thing at arms length to get even the
hint of a bar or two. Anyway, the fella answered
and I said something like “Sorry to trouble you,
but there’s a woman in the fourth row, centre, at
your screening of The Village, who is in fact A
FUCKING TALIBAN!”

I went back into the cinema just in time to see
that little shit hoisted off with his terrorist
mother.

I remember the good old days. THEY WERE FUCKING
TERRIBLE. But at least we knew what to do with
those young upstarts. Slap across the jaw and sent
to sleep in the coal-bunker, and did it do me any
harm?

NO. IT DID NOT DO ME ANY HARM, MOST LIKELY.

Nowadays they say we have to treat these little
leeches like HUMANS. A human, let me tell you, is
someone who wears a suit and goes to work and
BREAKS HIS SPINE IN MANY PLACES and then goes to
see a picture at the weekend with the missus. He
doesn’t expect MALIGNANT SPAWN to be swinging from
the rafters, and when this happens, he rightly
expects POLICE BRUTALITY.

Work at 8, married by 13, alcoholic by 30 and DEAD
BY 32.

That’s what Darwin was getting at, BASTARDS.

IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK

Load of fucking TOSS.

Turns out that contestants on that shite THE X
FACTOR have agreed not to punch that smarmy
bastard COWELL. If I auditioned for that panel of
cunts, let me tell you, A – I WOULD FUCKING WIN
EVERYTHING, and B- I would tell that COWELL to GET
A FUCKING REAL JOB.

Is he the one married to the Osmond fucker? I
DON'T KNOW AND IT SCARES ME TO THINK OF IT.

Also, it turns out those BECKHAM SHITS are for
spawning again. AGAIN. Hopefully they keep it
locked in the attic till its old enough to join
THE CIVIL BASTARD SERVICE.

Finally, that HALLIWELL WOMAN FROM THE SPICEY
GIRLS has been yacking about some bloody song
she's written that talks about how crap all her ex-
boyfriends were. HOW WOULD YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAD
STUCK TO THE BIBLICAL LAW OF NO FANNY-FLINGING
BEFORE MARRIAGE?

In related FILM NEWS!!

Adrian Brody said he got into acting so as his
parents would know he was “A GOOD BOY”. Lets hope
they didn’t see any of THE SHITE I SAW HIM IN.
Lets hope they didn’t see THE BASTARD VILLAGER
PISH.

FINALLY, YOU SHITS

Michael Moore says he wants his film FAHRENHEIT
9/11 to win BEST PICTURE OSCAR this year instead
of BEST DOCUMENTARY. Maybe he should concentrate
on GETTING A FUCKING INVITE since his film is PISH.