BACK AND TO THE LEFT
THE DUKE ON JFK RELOADED
THE DUKE ON JFK RELOADED
If only, man. If only computers hadn’t been the size of
Arkansas back in 1963. If only the internet hadn’t been a
military tool being devised and eventually subverted by a
buncha damn hippies. If only the mafia, the CIA, some Cubans,
whoever the hell it was supposed to be, had been a bit more
fluent in the language of blowing shit up on the Z-Bocks or
Phillips Sonystations or whatever the hell.
What could have happened, is that instead of shady government
types and Joe Pesci and organised gangsters shooting the hell
out of John F Kennedy back in the day, they could’ve just
downloaded the game by the name of JFK Reloaded, and then
instead of really shooting folks they could’ve maybe set up a
LAN party or some shit and sat around yelling at each other
about “That was cheating, you FAG!!!111” and so on, other
“gamer” speak.
JFK Reloaded, y’see, takes its cues from all those game affairs
that wanna fling a fella head-first into the bowels of WW2
ravaged Normandy, or maybe Vietnam, although in that case
probably there’ll be lots more loading screens that say about
how awful it all was. “Shoot those gooks!”, the pixellated
soldiers cry, and then a page all about atrocities committed
against innocent Vietnamese civilians, just so as you don’t get
the wrong idea.
For sure, though, as an educational tool, The Duke is gonna
have to go ahead and assume that a lot more kids know about
what went down in Da Nang since Men Of Valor appeared than did
hitherto. Granted, they might not understand the political
shenanigans going on, but come the hell on, man, these kids are
only, like, 32 years old or some shit. 33, tops.
So anyway, JFK Reloaded aims to make history much more fun, in
much the same way as Medal Of Honour, for example, made it more
fun to learn about D-Day or whatever. Screw you, various
teachers and parents, is what the kids of today wish to
announce. I want my history interactive, motherfucker, with
swearing and blood.
Thanks to the old computer games, youngsters nowadays have
gained much more insight into the plight of infantrymen, of
anti-terrorist squads, of marines stationed on Mars who have to
blow the fuck outta a loada Hellspawn monstrosities.
Where JFK Reloaded finds itself stumped, however, is that,
unlike WW1 or WW2 or the time Hell opened up on Mars, the whole
JFK assassination was over in a couple seconds. Just ask Kevin
Costner. He knows more about it than anyone, and yet not one
motherfucker would believe him.
In order to address this lack of a whole terrible lot to do,
the makers of JFK Reloaded did the only thing possible for to
make this a more worthwhile experience, i.e., offer ten grand
to the player fit for to replicate Oswald’s shots most
accurately.
And yeah, that’s Oswald. According to the makers of JFK
Reloaded, it was Gary Oldman that pulled the motherfucking
trigger, and neither Joe Pesci nor Fidel Castro nor the Mafia
had one damn thing to do with it. How the fuck could all those
sonsa bitches have fitted into that tiny little room, they
probably wonder? Makes no damn sense. For sure, Joe Pesci could
fit in it a thousand times over, but you’d be lucky to squeeze
twenty regular people in there, much less the entire Mafia and
a loada communist revolutionaries and government agencies.
JFK Reloaded not only assumes Oswald was responsible for the
assassination, but seeks to prove it, by replicating every tiny
little detail, from the calibre of the rifle to the time
between shots to the exact angle he would’ve been standing and
all sorts. It’s not impossible, they say, for to shoot a fella
in exactly the manner JFK was shot from where Oswald was
standing. And look, here’s the proof. And, as an incentive for
to go ahead and prove it, we’ll fling you ten grand if you nail
it.
I don’t know if you know, but The Duke could nail it like
fucking that, is what, were I to be bothered trying. How about
piercing a fella stood thirty feet away through the Adams apple
with a motherfucking broadhead arrow, as I did not two nights
ago in Thief – Deadly Shadows? What you think of that, fucking
Oswald / Mafia / Government?
Now, incredible as it may seem, some folks have taken offence
to JFK Reloaded. Some folks want to do nothing more than decry
the state of morality and society and all sorts of fucking
paranormal entities, and all because of the game where you
shoot the president. Strange as it may be, though, I can’t seem
to remember an instance of similar outrage concerning the
availability of the Zapruder film on the net. In all the hoopla
and bickering surrounding Oliver Stone’s masterpiece JFK, I
don't remember anyone saying “Hang on a minute, fuck the fact
that he thinks Joe Pesci did it, what about the fact he shows
the damn film in close-up, i.e., the footage of JFK being,
y'know, shot?”
To be all the honest in the world, considering that the
majority of the outrage has come from folks who assume, who
accept as fact, that Oswald was the lone assassin, I think they
should probably be singing the praises of this piece of
interactive software. “Don’t take our word for it”, these folks
can now say, “Try it yourself. It’s fucking easy as hell. I
dunno what the fuck Costner was smoking, but he was obviously
off his face.”
Thing is, see, games are for kids. Fuck off with your “mature”
ratings, it’s kids who play these things, and therefore they
ain’t got a damn lick of cultural credibility, so don’t be
asking me to assume that this Shoot The JFK thing is worthy of
maybe a bit of respect, at least as much respect as you would
offer a flick or a book concerning the exact same incident. I
don’t give a half-baked shit in a pastry what statistics you
show me, nobody touches a joystick once their balls drop,
that's all there is to it. You might as well ask me to write a
motherfucking thesis on Pogs as ask me to take this shit
seriously for a second.
I don’t care that the technology being utilised is as
sophisticated as anything this side of Hollywood, I don’t care
that the narrative contained within some of these things is as
intelligent and beautifully written as anything Jane Austin
might have coughed up inbetween social shindigs, and I
certainly give less than a nannygoat’s fuck that owing to the
density and the depth of the world created within, a fella’s
actually more likely to learn something than from even the most
fact-packed of textbooks.
If you think I care that government agencies use very similar
simulation programmes as training tools, you can take that
thought and shove it up your arsehole, alongside all the other
thoughts about since the simulations are deemed so valuable to
a person’s understanding of their chosen profession, then
surely a game about assassinate JFK, would you ever, might
increase a fella’s understanding of the incident in question.
And even if it doesn’t, even if it sucks, well so the fuck
what, man? Plenty shitty flicks have been based on important,
significant tragedies, and the worst that happens is reviews
say about “By the way, Joel Schumacher, next time you’re
thinking about maybe flinging together a flick, maybe take a
walk and then smoke some crack instead.”
Live and let die, man, didn’t you hear a word that fucking
Beatle said?
And mentioning Beatles, where the hell’s Mark Chapman’s video
game?
Thanks folks.
Drop The Duke A Line
Arkansas back in 1963. If only the internet hadn’t been a
military tool being devised and eventually subverted by a
buncha damn hippies. If only the mafia, the CIA, some Cubans,
whoever the hell it was supposed to be, had been a bit more
fluent in the language of blowing shit up on the Z-Bocks or
Phillips Sonystations or whatever the hell.
What could have happened, is that instead of shady government
types and Joe Pesci and organised gangsters shooting the hell
out of John F Kennedy back in the day, they could’ve just
downloaded the game by the name of JFK Reloaded, and then
instead of really shooting folks they could’ve maybe set up a
LAN party or some shit and sat around yelling at each other
about “That was cheating, you FAG!!!111” and so on, other
“gamer” speak.
JFK Reloaded, y’see, takes its cues from all those game affairs
that wanna fling a fella head-first into the bowels of WW2
ravaged Normandy, or maybe Vietnam, although in that case
probably there’ll be lots more loading screens that say about
how awful it all was. “Shoot those gooks!”, the pixellated
soldiers cry, and then a page all about atrocities committed
against innocent Vietnamese civilians, just so as you don’t get
the wrong idea.
For sure, though, as an educational tool, The Duke is gonna
have to go ahead and assume that a lot more kids know about
what went down in Da Nang since Men Of Valor appeared than did
hitherto. Granted, they might not understand the political
shenanigans going on, but come the hell on, man, these kids are
only, like, 32 years old or some shit. 33, tops.
So anyway, JFK Reloaded aims to make history much more fun, in
much the same way as Medal Of Honour, for example, made it more
fun to learn about D-Day or whatever. Screw you, various
teachers and parents, is what the kids of today wish to
announce. I want my history interactive, motherfucker, with
swearing and blood.
Thanks to the old computer games, youngsters nowadays have
gained much more insight into the plight of infantrymen, of
anti-terrorist squads, of marines stationed on Mars who have to
blow the fuck outta a loada Hellspawn monstrosities.
Where JFK Reloaded finds itself stumped, however, is that,
unlike WW1 or WW2 or the time Hell opened up on Mars, the whole
JFK assassination was over in a couple seconds. Just ask Kevin
Costner. He knows more about it than anyone, and yet not one
motherfucker would believe him.
In order to address this lack of a whole terrible lot to do,
the makers of JFK Reloaded did the only thing possible for to
make this a more worthwhile experience, i.e., offer ten grand
to the player fit for to replicate Oswald’s shots most
accurately.
And yeah, that’s Oswald. According to the makers of JFK
Reloaded, it was Gary Oldman that pulled the motherfucking
trigger, and neither Joe Pesci nor Fidel Castro nor the Mafia
had one damn thing to do with it. How the fuck could all those
sonsa bitches have fitted into that tiny little room, they
probably wonder? Makes no damn sense. For sure, Joe Pesci could
fit in it a thousand times over, but you’d be lucky to squeeze
twenty regular people in there, much less the entire Mafia and
a loada communist revolutionaries and government agencies.
JFK Reloaded not only assumes Oswald was responsible for the
assassination, but seeks to prove it, by replicating every tiny
little detail, from the calibre of the rifle to the time
between shots to the exact angle he would’ve been standing and
all sorts. It’s not impossible, they say, for to shoot a fella
in exactly the manner JFK was shot from where Oswald was
standing. And look, here’s the proof. And, as an incentive for
to go ahead and prove it, we’ll fling you ten grand if you nail
it.
I don’t know if you know, but The Duke could nail it like
fucking that, is what, were I to be bothered trying. How about
piercing a fella stood thirty feet away through the Adams apple
with a motherfucking broadhead arrow, as I did not two nights
ago in Thief – Deadly Shadows? What you think of that, fucking
Oswald / Mafia / Government?
Now, incredible as it may seem, some folks have taken offence
to JFK Reloaded. Some folks want to do nothing more than decry
the state of morality and society and all sorts of fucking
paranormal entities, and all because of the game where you
shoot the president. Strange as it may be, though, I can’t seem
to remember an instance of similar outrage concerning the
availability of the Zapruder film on the net. In all the hoopla
and bickering surrounding Oliver Stone’s masterpiece JFK, I
don't remember anyone saying “Hang on a minute, fuck the fact
that he thinks Joe Pesci did it, what about the fact he shows
the damn film in close-up, i.e., the footage of JFK being,
y'know, shot?”
To be all the honest in the world, considering that the
majority of the outrage has come from folks who assume, who
accept as fact, that Oswald was the lone assassin, I think they
should probably be singing the praises of this piece of
interactive software. “Don’t take our word for it”, these folks
can now say, “Try it yourself. It’s fucking easy as hell. I
dunno what the fuck Costner was smoking, but he was obviously
off his face.”
Thing is, see, games are for kids. Fuck off with your “mature”
ratings, it’s kids who play these things, and therefore they
ain’t got a damn lick of cultural credibility, so don’t be
asking me to assume that this Shoot The JFK thing is worthy of
maybe a bit of respect, at least as much respect as you would
offer a flick or a book concerning the exact same incident. I
don’t give a half-baked shit in a pastry what statistics you
show me, nobody touches a joystick once their balls drop,
that's all there is to it. You might as well ask me to write a
motherfucking thesis on Pogs as ask me to take this shit
seriously for a second.
I don’t care that the technology being utilised is as
sophisticated as anything this side of Hollywood, I don’t care
that the narrative contained within some of these things is as
intelligent and beautifully written as anything Jane Austin
might have coughed up inbetween social shindigs, and I
certainly give less than a nannygoat’s fuck that owing to the
density and the depth of the world created within, a fella’s
actually more likely to learn something than from even the most
fact-packed of textbooks.
If you think I care that government agencies use very similar
simulation programmes as training tools, you can take that
thought and shove it up your arsehole, alongside all the other
thoughts about since the simulations are deemed so valuable to
a person’s understanding of their chosen profession, then
surely a game about assassinate JFK, would you ever, might
increase a fella’s understanding of the incident in question.
And even if it doesn’t, even if it sucks, well so the fuck
what, man? Plenty shitty flicks have been based on important,
significant tragedies, and the worst that happens is reviews
say about “By the way, Joel Schumacher, next time you’re
thinking about maybe flinging together a flick, maybe take a
walk and then smoke some crack instead.”
Live and let die, man, didn’t you hear a word that fucking
Beatle said?
And mentioning Beatles, where the hell’s Mark Chapman’s video
game?
Thanks folks.
Drop The Duke A Line
