THE DUKE OBSERVES
OPEN WATER
OPEN WATER
SOME MOTHERFUCKING SHARKS - YESTERDAY
The Shark Cinema, as any serious student of filmic affairs will
tell you, is just a solitary notch below The Spider Cinema in
terms of how little a flick has to do to be entertaining. Fling a
load of the fishy sons a bitches into the narrative, or have a
load of arachnids scuttle around like the vile, malignant, evil
bastards they are, and the viewer can’t help but enjoy it.
A few years ago, the computer game what went by the name of The
Resident Evil acknowledged this fact by having not just tarantulas
the size of Volkswagens, but also a couple sharks for to freak the
hell out of the fourteen year olds up to all hours banging away at
the joysticks. Unfortunately, when The Resident Evil finally got
all filmified, the director saw fit to lose both these elements,
opting instead for gratuitous half-glimpses of Mila Jovovich’s hoo-
hah.
Still, sharks and spiders have both gotten big CGI make-overs in
recent years, via the inexplicably wonderful Deep Blue Sea and the
tongue-in-cheek antics of Eight Legged Freaks. Neither, however,
were particularly scary.
Thank God then that Chris Kentis has gone ahead and made Two Folks
Bitching In The Sea, released in some territories as Open Water,
being a low-budget, shot-on-digital caper involving two folks who
float about on the sea for an hour. Also, some sharks swim about.
Two Folks Bitching In The Sea, or 2FBITS, acronym fans, has no
truck with plot or character development or anime sequences or
none of that jazz. What Kentis wants to do is fill fifteen minutes
with these two lovers, Susan and Daniel, arriving on a Caribbean
island and then being naked for a minute or two and then get them
on a damn boat as soon as possible, that they might all the sooner
be stranded in the sea for to bitch and so on.
That right there is the height of the narrative. What 2FBITS is,
essentially, is an exercise in sustained tension, a challenge what
it rises to only in fits and starts.
The main problem one might conceivably have with the flick, is
that before anyone even gets into the ocean, we are told that the
sharks what parade around these waters aren’t, in fact, dangerous
to humans. With this knowledge in mind, it’s kinda difficult to
then feel scared when a load of fins start cropping up left and
right.
It’s a bit like if you had two folks get stranded in a big patch
of dandelions, and you’re expected to be scared since poison ivy
can kill.
These sharks may be big, and may be toothy, but they ain’t great
whites, man. What you’re left with, then, is two folks slowly
dying in the ocean. Granted, it doesn’t last as long as The
Passion Of The Christ, but it’s still basically a case of waiting
for the heart to stop. Mel Gibson kept us entertained by filling
the screen with highly inventive gore. Kentis, by way of contrast,
takes the more restrained route of having his characters bicker
and squabble, and then one of them gets stung with a jellyfish.
The film has been hailed by certain sectors of the entertainment
press as “Blair Witch with sharks”, but to be all the honest in
the world, The Duke can’t for a moment see the reasoning behind
these claims. The only similarity between this and the film about
folks wander round in circles for forever, is that both are shot
on video. It’s a bit like saying The Shining is Gone With The Wind
with hatchets, since both are shot on film and based on books.
2FBITS is undeniably enjoyable, something which seems as unlikely
as waking up one morning to find a television growing in ones
stomach, simply because the direction is so assured. Sometimes the
film is so convincing, that even though you’re pretty sure nothing
outlandish will occur, you still grip the seat a little tighter
when, say, the woman’s floating on her back and a big grey
motherfucker passes just underneath her.
At other times, though, it feels like a great idea stretched to
breaking point. Tom Hanks On The Beach had one fella in one
location for nearly two hours, and remained fascinating. Here, it
depends on ones fondness for hearing two folks yelling at each
other.
The film was shot for next to nothing using real sharks, instead
of, say, CGI ones what aren’t even scary when they’re eating Sam
Jackson, but whilst it may be admirable and worthy of a viewing,
it’s still far from terribly brilliant. The shots of the sharks
swimming about the place, and the occasional skirmishes for to
film some folks drinking cocktails, or a lizard or two, are all
undeniably beautiful. It’s just that, unlike the waters these
folks are floating about in, it’s all very shallow.
Commendable, then, and certainly watchable, even enthralling on
occasion, but a fairly empty experience nonetheless.
A 3D sequel might help remedy matters, particularly if Dennis
Quaid were to be involved.
Thanks folks.
Drop The Duke A Line Via Electronical Email
tell you, is just a solitary notch below The Spider Cinema in
terms of how little a flick has to do to be entertaining. Fling a
load of the fishy sons a bitches into the narrative, or have a
load of arachnids scuttle around like the vile, malignant, evil
bastards they are, and the viewer can’t help but enjoy it.
A few years ago, the computer game what went by the name of The
Resident Evil acknowledged this fact by having not just tarantulas
the size of Volkswagens, but also a couple sharks for to freak the
hell out of the fourteen year olds up to all hours banging away at
the joysticks. Unfortunately, when The Resident Evil finally got
all filmified, the director saw fit to lose both these elements,
opting instead for gratuitous half-glimpses of Mila Jovovich’s hoo-
hah.
Still, sharks and spiders have both gotten big CGI make-overs in
recent years, via the inexplicably wonderful Deep Blue Sea and the
tongue-in-cheek antics of Eight Legged Freaks. Neither, however,
were particularly scary.
Thank God then that Chris Kentis has gone ahead and made Two Folks
Bitching In The Sea, released in some territories as Open Water,
being a low-budget, shot-on-digital caper involving two folks who
float about on the sea for an hour. Also, some sharks swim about.
Two Folks Bitching In The Sea, or 2FBITS, acronym fans, has no
truck with plot or character development or anime sequences or
none of that jazz. What Kentis wants to do is fill fifteen minutes
with these two lovers, Susan and Daniel, arriving on a Caribbean
island and then being naked for a minute or two and then get them
on a damn boat as soon as possible, that they might all the sooner
be stranded in the sea for to bitch and so on.
That right there is the height of the narrative. What 2FBITS is,
essentially, is an exercise in sustained tension, a challenge what
it rises to only in fits and starts.
The main problem one might conceivably have with the flick, is
that before anyone even gets into the ocean, we are told that the
sharks what parade around these waters aren’t, in fact, dangerous
to humans. With this knowledge in mind, it’s kinda difficult to
then feel scared when a load of fins start cropping up left and
right.
It’s a bit like if you had two folks get stranded in a big patch
of dandelions, and you’re expected to be scared since poison ivy
can kill.
These sharks may be big, and may be toothy, but they ain’t great
whites, man. What you’re left with, then, is two folks slowly
dying in the ocean. Granted, it doesn’t last as long as The
Passion Of The Christ, but it’s still basically a case of waiting
for the heart to stop. Mel Gibson kept us entertained by filling
the screen with highly inventive gore. Kentis, by way of contrast,
takes the more restrained route of having his characters bicker
and squabble, and then one of them gets stung with a jellyfish.
The film has been hailed by certain sectors of the entertainment
press as “Blair Witch with sharks”, but to be all the honest in
the world, The Duke can’t for a moment see the reasoning behind
these claims. The only similarity between this and the film about
folks wander round in circles for forever, is that both are shot
on video. It’s a bit like saying The Shining is Gone With The Wind
with hatchets, since both are shot on film and based on books.
2FBITS is undeniably enjoyable, something which seems as unlikely
as waking up one morning to find a television growing in ones
stomach, simply because the direction is so assured. Sometimes the
film is so convincing, that even though you’re pretty sure nothing
outlandish will occur, you still grip the seat a little tighter
when, say, the woman’s floating on her back and a big grey
motherfucker passes just underneath her.
At other times, though, it feels like a great idea stretched to
breaking point. Tom Hanks On The Beach had one fella in one
location for nearly two hours, and remained fascinating. Here, it
depends on ones fondness for hearing two folks yelling at each
other.
The film was shot for next to nothing using real sharks, instead
of, say, CGI ones what aren’t even scary when they’re eating Sam
Jackson, but whilst it may be admirable and worthy of a viewing,
it’s still far from terribly brilliant. The shots of the sharks
swimming about the place, and the occasional skirmishes for to
film some folks drinking cocktails, or a lizard or two, are all
undeniably beautiful. It’s just that, unlike the waters these
folks are floating about in, it’s all very shallow.
Commendable, then, and certainly watchable, even enthralling on
occasion, but a fairly empty experience nonetheless.
A 3D sequel might help remedy matters, particularly if Dennis
Quaid were to be involved.
Thanks folks.
Drop The Duke A Line Via Electronical Email
