THE DUKE ON
HARRY POTTER AND THE
PRISONER OF AZKABAN
HARRY POTTER AND THE
PRISONER OF AZKABAN
Who the hell knows what to expect from Alfonso Cuarón? One minute
he’s slinging together a kiddie flick like the fairy-tale type
affair A Little Princess, the next he’s reinventing Great
Expectations with the aid of an ugly, bald Robert De Niro and a
naked Gwyneth Paltrow, and just when you think you’ve got a
handle on the motherfucker, he goes ahead and throws up shit like
Y tu mama tambien, about two teenagers wank into a swimming pool,
and other stuff about a road trip with this middle-class woman,
but all folks remember is the wanking in the swimming pool.
Did you see the film with the wanking in the swimming pool,
they'll ask?
Well, anyhow, what occurred is that the folks in the suits
decided this Alfonso fella was the man for to bring Harry Potter
Part 3 to the cinema screens, and also the IMAX screens, in order
for to make it an “Experience” as opposed to a regular old
“film”. Most likely they saw the flick about a princess, and
based their decision upon that right there, rather than the
wanking in the swimming pool film, or his debut sex / AIDS comedy
romp Sólo con tu pareja (Love In The Time Of Hysteria).
Turns out, though, this Alfonso cat was the very man for to
deliver a motherfucking epic of Potter-related goodness.
The Duke enjoyed the first two Harry Potter filmic installments,
truth be told, although certainly they seemed a tad over-long, a
touch too keen for to ensure every motherfucking semi-colon made
it to the screen. Every semi-colon, that is, that didn’t involve
Rik Mayall’s Peeves The Poltergeist, who found himself exorcised
and locked away in some vault someplace.
I hear there’s a four-hour TV Version doing the rounds, though,
so maybe he’s in that? The fuck do I know?
The books, too, I found myself devouring in a refined, literary
fashion, although I still haven’t read the fifth one, even though
I paid a motherfucking extortionate rate for the hard-back
edition on the first day of release. Those books were delightful,
is what, and most likely you know, too, since every motherfucker
I saw on the train a couple years back was reading one of them,
although usually with an “adult” cover, so as you wouldn’t know
they were reading a book written for 12-year-olds.
So what has occurred is that the Potter flicks have gotten better
with each successive entry, spitting in the face of tradition,
especially the tradition that says about how sequels will always
suck, or at least be of lesser quality than the preceding
installment. Potter and a handful of contemporaries (The X-Men,
Spider-Man, The Leprechaun) have set about ensuring that
audiences need no longer fear the impending reprise.
Also, one could feasibly view all installments in the Potter
franchise as a series of films about Daniel Radcliff learns how
to act. He got off with it in the first one, since come the fuck
on, he was only a kid, man. Have you ever seen any footage of
Pacino when he was 11 years old? Laughable is what I would guess.
I’ll bet his nativity plays were fucking atrocious. “I’ve saw
better Joseph’s plucked out my asshole” the reviews probably
read. By the time Potter 2 came along, though, Radcliff was
getting dangerously close to the age when folks can feel secure
in assuming one to be shit. His acting was fairly abysmal, let’s
come right out and say it, and sure, if a fella's surrounded by
other equally abysmal actors then maybe it goes unnoticed, but
flung into the company of Robbie Coltrane and Richard Harris, a
fella’s inadequacies are all too evident.
Here, though, Radcliff is actually convincing. More than this,
he's pretty good, all being told. Perhaps Cuarón had him wank
into a swimming pool or something for to break the ice, for to
get rid of all that tension. Who knows? Whatever he did, it
worked.
Potter 3 is easily the best flick of the series thus far, a
gothic, eerie fantasy that manages to craft something refreshing
and surprising from the by-now rather rigid plot cycle. You know
the score, there’ll be a pre-Hogwarts bout of hilarious hi-jinks
in the family home, then a bit of exploration coupled, most
likely, with an ominous warning of some kind, then Hogwarts
itself complete with an abundance of zany classes and such,
before all becomes clear and characters you thought were nice
folks / evil bastards turn out to be evil bastards / nice folks
after all.
With such predictable mechanics in place, Cuarón knows he’d
better up the ante on the old atmospherics and the visuals if
he's gonna offer anything worth sticking with. To this end, Harry
Potter Part 3 – Escape From Alcatraz looks amazing, like Tim
Burton back when he was more likely to be putting some dark,
twisted gothic vision onscreen than making films about monkeys
with the fella from Marky Mark And The Funky Bunch. Donnie
Whalberg, I think he was.
CGI is utilised throughout, as is the wont of the contemporary
blockbuster. Barring some rather bizarre creature effects in the
final third that take a time for to get used to, though, the
computer fuckery is seamless; a window freezing over as the
predatory Dementors approach (looking like a grotesque hybrid of
the Ringwraiths from Lord Of The Rings and the Banshee from Darby
O’Gill And The Little People); the half-horse, half-hawk
Hipogriff taking flight; a magic bus ride through late-night
London, complete with comedy shrunken head.
Interestingly, though, illusionist Paul Kieve was brought onset
for to teach some tricks to a few cast members, and also enlist
in creating some physical effects, so as less CGI could be used.
Maybe they could get Derren Brown next time, and have them all
sit around a table playing Russian Roulette. Or maybe David
Blaine could pop in. Harry Potter And The Frozen Shaman. Who
knows what possibilities could be explored?
Anyhow, what happens is that because this world painted across
the screen enchants us so effortlessly, a fella finds himself
hanging on to every development in the plot, finds himself
actually caring for these young pagans with their spells and
their witchery.
Let’s hope Edward Woodward never makes the trip to Hogwarts, is
what The Duke would suggest. All they were doing on Summerisle
was dancing naked round Maypoles and talking about the penis.
Imagine his shock were he to uncover an entire educational house
playing host to a plethora of pubescent conjurers and dabblers in
the dark arts.
Dennis Wheatley would shit himself, is what The Duke would
assume, although, thankfully, these youngsters don’t seem to have
any strong beliefs regarding communism.
Also, as if all this wasn’t enough, Potter 3 is the only Potter
thus far to have a cameo from Ian Motherfucking Brown. I hoped he
would maybe get up and do a rendition of She Bangs The Drums, or
maybe I Am The Resurrection, but no, he just sits at a table
reading a book. A Brief History Of Time, no less.
Harry Potter Part 3 – Escape From Alcatraz is a brilliant flick,
is what, and indicative of the quality-control marching across
the plains of “family” entertainment like Ilsa, She-Wolf Of The
Motherfucking Kid-Flick. I can’t remember a time when PG rated
material was so universally wonderful. The Potters, those
Hobbits, the Pixar stuff, and apparently that Lemon Jefferson’s
Unfortunate Events is brilliant too.
Used to be it was kids sneaking into adult movies, now it’s grown-
folks pretending their youngsters will be “arriving later”, so
I’'ll just go on and take my seat now, I’m sure they’ll know
where I am. No, one ticket, why the fuck would I want three? Oh,
yeah, the kids. Fuck them, they can buy their own.
And so on and so forth.
Thanks folks
Tell The Duke What You Thought, Via The Electronical
Email
he’s slinging together a kiddie flick like the fairy-tale type
affair A Little Princess, the next he’s reinventing Great
Expectations with the aid of an ugly, bald Robert De Niro and a
naked Gwyneth Paltrow, and just when you think you’ve got a
handle on the motherfucker, he goes ahead and throws up shit like
Y tu mama tambien, about two teenagers wank into a swimming pool,
and other stuff about a road trip with this middle-class woman,
but all folks remember is the wanking in the swimming pool.
Did you see the film with the wanking in the swimming pool,
they'll ask?
Well, anyhow, what occurred is that the folks in the suits
decided this Alfonso fella was the man for to bring Harry Potter
Part 3 to the cinema screens, and also the IMAX screens, in order
for to make it an “Experience” as opposed to a regular old
“film”. Most likely they saw the flick about a princess, and
based their decision upon that right there, rather than the
wanking in the swimming pool film, or his debut sex / AIDS comedy
romp Sólo con tu pareja (Love In The Time Of Hysteria).
Turns out, though, this Alfonso cat was the very man for to
deliver a motherfucking epic of Potter-related goodness.
The Duke enjoyed the first two Harry Potter filmic installments,
truth be told, although certainly they seemed a tad over-long, a
touch too keen for to ensure every motherfucking semi-colon made
it to the screen. Every semi-colon, that is, that didn’t involve
Rik Mayall’s Peeves The Poltergeist, who found himself exorcised
and locked away in some vault someplace.
I hear there’s a four-hour TV Version doing the rounds, though,
so maybe he’s in that? The fuck do I know?
The books, too, I found myself devouring in a refined, literary
fashion, although I still haven’t read the fifth one, even though
I paid a motherfucking extortionate rate for the hard-back
edition on the first day of release. Those books were delightful,
is what, and most likely you know, too, since every motherfucker
I saw on the train a couple years back was reading one of them,
although usually with an “adult” cover, so as you wouldn’t know
they were reading a book written for 12-year-olds.
So what has occurred is that the Potter flicks have gotten better
with each successive entry, spitting in the face of tradition,
especially the tradition that says about how sequels will always
suck, or at least be of lesser quality than the preceding
installment. Potter and a handful of contemporaries (The X-Men,
Spider-Man, The Leprechaun) have set about ensuring that
audiences need no longer fear the impending reprise.
Also, one could feasibly view all installments in the Potter
franchise as a series of films about Daniel Radcliff learns how
to act. He got off with it in the first one, since come the fuck
on, he was only a kid, man. Have you ever seen any footage of
Pacino when he was 11 years old? Laughable is what I would guess.
I’ll bet his nativity plays were fucking atrocious. “I’ve saw
better Joseph’s plucked out my asshole” the reviews probably
read. By the time Potter 2 came along, though, Radcliff was
getting dangerously close to the age when folks can feel secure
in assuming one to be shit. His acting was fairly abysmal, let’s
come right out and say it, and sure, if a fella's surrounded by
other equally abysmal actors then maybe it goes unnoticed, but
flung into the company of Robbie Coltrane and Richard Harris, a
fella’s inadequacies are all too evident.
Here, though, Radcliff is actually convincing. More than this,
he's pretty good, all being told. Perhaps Cuarón had him wank
into a swimming pool or something for to break the ice, for to
get rid of all that tension. Who knows? Whatever he did, it
worked.
Potter 3 is easily the best flick of the series thus far, a
gothic, eerie fantasy that manages to craft something refreshing
and surprising from the by-now rather rigid plot cycle. You know
the score, there’ll be a pre-Hogwarts bout of hilarious hi-jinks
in the family home, then a bit of exploration coupled, most
likely, with an ominous warning of some kind, then Hogwarts
itself complete with an abundance of zany classes and such,
before all becomes clear and characters you thought were nice
folks / evil bastards turn out to be evil bastards / nice folks
after all.
With such predictable mechanics in place, Cuarón knows he’d
better up the ante on the old atmospherics and the visuals if
he's gonna offer anything worth sticking with. To this end, Harry
Potter Part 3 – Escape From Alcatraz looks amazing, like Tim
Burton back when he was more likely to be putting some dark,
twisted gothic vision onscreen than making films about monkeys
with the fella from Marky Mark And The Funky Bunch. Donnie
Whalberg, I think he was.
CGI is utilised throughout, as is the wont of the contemporary
blockbuster. Barring some rather bizarre creature effects in the
final third that take a time for to get used to, though, the
computer fuckery is seamless; a window freezing over as the
predatory Dementors approach (looking like a grotesque hybrid of
the Ringwraiths from Lord Of The Rings and the Banshee from Darby
O’Gill And The Little People); the half-horse, half-hawk
Hipogriff taking flight; a magic bus ride through late-night
London, complete with comedy shrunken head.
Interestingly, though, illusionist Paul Kieve was brought onset
for to teach some tricks to a few cast members, and also enlist
in creating some physical effects, so as less CGI could be used.
Maybe they could get Derren Brown next time, and have them all
sit around a table playing Russian Roulette. Or maybe David
Blaine could pop in. Harry Potter And The Frozen Shaman. Who
knows what possibilities could be explored?
Anyhow, what happens is that because this world painted across
the screen enchants us so effortlessly, a fella finds himself
hanging on to every development in the plot, finds himself
actually caring for these young pagans with their spells and
their witchery.
Let’s hope Edward Woodward never makes the trip to Hogwarts, is
what The Duke would suggest. All they were doing on Summerisle
was dancing naked round Maypoles and talking about the penis.
Imagine his shock were he to uncover an entire educational house
playing host to a plethora of pubescent conjurers and dabblers in
the dark arts.
Dennis Wheatley would shit himself, is what The Duke would
assume, although, thankfully, these youngsters don’t seem to have
any strong beliefs regarding communism.
Also, as if all this wasn’t enough, Potter 3 is the only Potter
thus far to have a cameo from Ian Motherfucking Brown. I hoped he
would maybe get up and do a rendition of She Bangs The Drums, or
maybe I Am The Resurrection, but no, he just sits at a table
reading a book. A Brief History Of Time, no less.
Harry Potter Part 3 – Escape From Alcatraz is a brilliant flick,
is what, and indicative of the quality-control marching across
the plains of “family” entertainment like Ilsa, She-Wolf Of The
Motherfucking Kid-Flick. I can’t remember a time when PG rated
material was so universally wonderful. The Potters, those
Hobbits, the Pixar stuff, and apparently that Lemon Jefferson’s
Unfortunate Events is brilliant too.
Used to be it was kids sneaking into adult movies, now it’s grown-
folks pretending their youngsters will be “arriving later”, so
I’'ll just go on and take my seat now, I’m sure they’ll know
where I am. No, one ticket, why the fuck would I want three? Oh,
yeah, the kids. Fuck them, they can buy their own.
And so on and so forth.
Thanks folks
Tell The Duke What You Thought, Via The Electronical
