was the very first thing to appear on Mondo what wasn't plucked
out the face of yours truly, i.e, The Duke. It is, in fact, the
work of Rosetta, and after a lengthy absence all to do with
something or other goin on elsewhere, it's back. Here, in fact,
conveniently enough. The Old, Classic Simpleton Gazettes are
still archived at yonder link, so you don't need to be buyin no
bootlegs off a ebay for the price o a cack-doused lung.
YOU CAN SLING A FUCK-SOAKED EMAIL TO ROSETTA HERE
5. Iran announces that their nuclear energy program was actually a
program to develop nuclear energy, and not to develop nuclear
weapons. Hossam Al-Jan Hiraddi, spokesman for the Irani Atomic
Energy Program said “We told you so. We’ve been telling you over and
over again it was for electricity but would you believe us? No! Now
who looks stupid? HA HA HA! Honestly, nuclear war? Could you be
arsed?” Washington and London has reacted strongly to this
development with Donald Rumsfeld saying “This is typical Irani
smokescreen tactics. Behind the smoke and the screens you will see
not smoke nor screens but weapons. Weapons which will cause smoke
and will not screen us from terror. We must take action.”
6. Paul McCartney launches a Paul McCartney tribute act called the
Paul McCartney (Not John Lennon) Experience.
7. A cure for bird flu is discovered. Tasmanian scientists discover
that coating yourself in porridge forms an impenetrable barrier
against the disease whilst still permitting the coat-ee to breathe
safely. Porridge manufacturers across the world rejoice as surely
now, the lean period for the porridge industry is at an end.
8. The world porridge industry collapses as Cuban scientists create
a new, more effective and easier to take bird flu cure in the form
of a tablet. Having pumped all resources into providing human sized
packets of porridge, the new cure, combined with the relief of not
having to cover oneself in porridge, causes demand for porridge to
plummet. A representative of Quaker Oats has this to say; “It’s a
sad day. Not just for ourselves but for the millions of young
porridge makers out there. Their dreams have been taken away.”
And in the blue corner weighing in at nothing, it’s the A-Z of
Lovely Things. And in the red corner, weighing in at a hefty 3
ounces, the reigning and undefeated champion of the world, the A-Z
OF HATE!
You know what I hate: Celebrity
Firstly, let it be said for the record, I do not hate all
celebrities. Some celebrities are wonderful creatures, very talented
and can bring joy to millions. What I do dislike is this burgeoning
cult of celebrity where anyone, and I mean anyone, can become an
icon of sorts. I hate it. A great deal.
Think of those shows like X-Factor and Fame Academy. Even the ones
during auditions who are horrendously terrible and awful become
celebrities in their own right, taking advantage of the fact that
our society is so shallow and people obsessed that even the most
talentless feckless idiots become figures of public interest. Maybe
this is why people are commenting that society is degenerating. It’s
nothing to do with crime, drugs or the breakdown of the traditional
family unit. I’ts because people, both adults and children alike,
would rather talk about a talent show and its contestants than talk
about either their own life or the issues of the day. Makes me sick!
Of course this is the extreme end of the scale but it happens
everywhere. Girls who have one night stands with celebs who then, if
they weren’t cheapened enough already, sell their story to get their
face in the paper and make a quick buck. We have all these programs
now with celebrities dancing on ice and such. What next? Celebrity
Funeral? Don’t scoff, it’s only a matter of time. The media foster
this cult by fawning over Q-list celebrities one minute then
decrying them to the lowest the next. Sells newspapers I guess. Even
footballers, and this pains me to say cause I love the game so much,
milk it for all its worth when in reality no one cares what they do
except on that bit of grass. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not arrogant
enough to say I don’t take an interest in celebrity. Of course I do.
If Harrison Ford gets his testicles bitten off by a Flemish
prostitute then I wanna know about it but I don’t give a flying
dog's bollock about the guy off Big Brother or any other talentless
wannabe who happens to have slept with a leopard.
I guess the point I’m alluding to is that we hand out the term
celebrity far too easily. You have to earn the right to have
journalists and photographers stalking you. That is a privilege, not
a right.
Now, which way to the Pop Idol auditions?
News Story of the Week
It has emerged this week that having an extra arm can increase the
quality of life up to, but not including, 17%. This third arm, or
what scientists call “The Third Arm” can be used for a variety of
household tasks. Just one example put forth is the ability to
throttle two children at the same time whilst being able to do the
hoovering or the dusting. Housewives Association Chairwomen Anita
Doyles was very excited by the news. “Oooooh” she said. It must be
noted however that because of the lack of third arms on humans,
these benefits are unlikely to be felt for millions of years until
humans actually evolve into three armed beings. Renegade scientists
in St Vincent and the Grenadines have however started to clone arms
and have stated that within 3 years they will have successfully
completed the first human external third arm graft. This has led to
accusations of scientists attempting to play God and Larry McDavid
of Friends of the Body had this to say “We accuse these scientists
of attempting to play God.” Harsh words indeed and is just one
example of how divisive this issue is, has not been in the past and
will continue to be in the future.
Weather Forecast
A very sunny day in prospect with a sun burn rating of medium-well
and a pollen count of Kleenex.
Fact of the Day
Gremlins cannot count.
Sling An Email To Rosetta!
lots to be eaten, drinken and so on. Plus, its been pretty slow on
the whole news front. Lots of disasters which I’m not really fussed
in making fun of. Karma is not to be trifled with. And so, because
of the lack of decent news, I’m going to do something different.
Drum roll please………………
Mystic Rosetta’s Predictions for 2006
1. George Bush announces his intention to invade Ethiopia, echoing
Benito Mussolini’s 1936 invasion. Bush claims “Them Italianese were
on to something back in the 30’s. International turrism has clear
origins in Africa and its time for us, America, the free world, the
world which is free, free from turrism, free to defend itself, the
world of freedom, to finish the job started in 1936.” The response
from Addis Abbaba has been muted so far “What did we do? Stupid
Americans. Well if it’s Jihad they want it’s Jihad they get! Kill
the infidels!” Washington has rejected criticism that America
creates its own problems.
2. Russian scientists perfect nuclear fission, thereby ending the
world energy crisis. Although unwilling to share the discovery, they
decide to sell the technology. President Putin announces “We need to
safeguard Russian interest and therefore feel the need to put a
price on the technology. But, I’m sure you agree, it is a small
price to pay.” The world rejoices as the energy crisis disappears.
America announces its intention to create more powerful nuclear
fission to protect itself from the growing threat of Russian nuclear
terrorism.
3. Tartan makes a comeback.
4. Al-Qaeda announces a link up with the
Provisional/Continuity/Intercontinental/ Interim/Erstwhile IRA to
launch a Gaelo-Arab attack on the two great evils of the world:
Great Britain and the United States. And China, can’t forget about
the Chinese.
More mystic predictions in the coming weeks.
And a hush fell upon the crowd. Rosetta took to the stage with what
looked like a piece of paper. Yes, it was paper. Rosetta held the
piece of paper up before the crowd and contained upon the paper was
the letter B. The crowd descended into a state of rapturous
delirium. Yes, it was time for the A-Z of hate.
You know what I hate: Bar Idiocy
Before you all get all uppity, I’m not going on an anti pub, anti
drinking rant. I myself love pubs, taverns and speakeasies and there
is nothing better than a nice Guinness. What I do hate is people who
do not how to act in a pub, or who blatantly flout the accepted
standards of pub decorum. You’re in the pub with a mate watching the
football. One half of the bar is crowded around the TV and you
managed to get a nice standing space next to the bar. Swish. Then
some fucking idiot, thinking he was clever by sitting in a booth,
pushes past 30 people to get the bar right beside you not realising
the other half of the bar is empty. I can just about handle that.
Then he has the fucking cheek to make you hand him his drinks cause
he’s too fucking lazy to push past everybody. Didn’t stop you the
first time did it? Huh? Huh? Idiot.
This is only one example of bar idiocy but I’m sure you good people
have many examples of this. If you wish to share these stories
please donate money to me so I can quit work and spend more time
reading stuff from strangers.
News Story of the Week
It has been revealed this week that ageing British entertainer Bruce
Forsythe has been picked to star as Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the
upcoming Josh Whedon film entitled Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Death
to Vampires. Whedon stated at a press conference his reason for
choosing Mr Forsythe, “Although Brucie is perhaps older than the
normal choice for such a role, we feel that he has the necessary
verve to play the role and importantly for the film, the necessary
maturity which we felt was brilliantly juxtaposed against the
timelessness of the vampires.” In response to claims from Hollywood
critics that he was too old to play the role of teenage vampire
killing sextress Buffy, Mr Forsythe said “I love dipping my toast
soldiers in my egg.” Rumours of senile dementia could not be
confirmed.
Weather Forecast
Showers in the morning will give way to large flurries of imaginary
snow in the afternoon/evening. Drivers are being warned to
concentrate and be extra careful as stupid drivers may actually
drive slower to combat the imaginary snow.
Fact of the Day
An exclamation mark was leader of Portugal between 1204AD and 1208AD.
Sling An Email To Rosetta!
partnerships. Conservatives are up in arms and the gay community
can't shut up about it. I’m fairly apathetic towards the gay
community as a whole. Now that’s not to say I’m homophobic, it’s
just that I’m not really bothered one way or the other. I accept
that it’s a good idea for sorting out assets and when it comes to
making wills and the like. But honestly, it has to be the most
unromantic sounding thing in the world!
So why all the fuss? I can see it now... let us drift into my
imaginary world where same sex civil partnerships are as common as
cheese on eggs....
Alan and Steve are walking down the street. They bump into Alma
(Alan’s friend and general lover of all things romantic. And I mean
all things romantic. She even goes aww when she sees an Alsatian
shagging a poodle). Alma notices that they are holding hands and
starts to melt in her normal fashion. She then sees two enormous
rings on each of their same sex civil partnership fingers and begins
to go into a romantic frenzy. She hurriedly asks Alan and Steve if
they got married. Steve squeezes Alan’s hand tightly, they gaze into
each others eyes and Alan proudly states how they have just entered
into a same sex civil partnership, tears beginning to well in his
eyes.
Alma explodes, but in a very unexpected way.
WHAT? She exclaims! A same sex civil WHAT? She then pulls out a
giant sword and cuts off Steve’s head!
Alan runs off in terror as Alma is left standing over Steve’s
mangled corpse. Romance indeed…
So there you have it folks. Proof that same sex civil partnerships
aren’t romantic. I’m not against them in principle, I just want them
to have a bit more of a ring to it. You know, something like
Homosexual Love Union or Lesbian Hug Agreement. You know, something
that Alma would like.
It’s all about Alma. If she don’t like it, it ain’t gonna work. Alma.
I have a new idea for a segment in the Simpleton Gazette. Due to my
hatred of so many things, I have decided, in my infinite wisdom, to
categorize my hatreds into alphabetical order. So without further
adieu...The A-Z of Hate!! Hurrah!!
You know what I hate: Animal Rights Activists
First things first. I love animals. They are fantastic. Sure, I’m
terrified of spiders and I have a completely irrational fear of cows
but generally I love animals. But I’m not stupid, and yes, you can
deduce from that that I think animal rights activists are stupid.
Not all of them or course, but on the whole, yes, they are stupido.
I will admit that I hate hunting for sport. It’s senseless killing
and I don’t like it. So what if foxes kill other animals, it’s what
they do! The animal rights people can protest that all they like.
It's all this balls over animal cruelty with battery chickens and
such that really gets me going. Oh it’s so cruel, they keep them in
tiny cages and pump them full of steroids and drugs and stuff and
its so inhumane.
INHUMANE? They’re fucking chickens!! Not human.
Lesson 1 - Chickens are not human. Plus, are free range chickens any
better off? I think its cruel letting them stretch their legs and
giving them a taste of freedom before they are killed, but hey, what
do I know? If they really care about animal rights then they should
go to Africa and tell off the cheetahs for the way they kill
gazelle. Nothing nice about being hunted down and then having your
throat ripped to pieces before being devoured. Nor is there anything
particularly humane about a snake injecting venom into a wee rodent,
crippling it almost instantly and then swallowing it whole while it
is quite possibly still alive. Why should humans be vilified for
being more efficient than our fellow predators? If anything I think
we should be rewarded for our humanity!
And don’t even think about using the old excuse that because they
are animals they are just doing what they have to do to survive. We
are animals and we are doing what we have to do. A big cat can eat a
gazelle and then not eat again for months. The human body doesn’t
have such capacity and so we have to eat more often, hence the need
for more food. For people so in touch with nature they seem to have
a very poor working knowledge of it.
Honestly I think those people aren’t animal rights activists at all.
I reckon they just hate other humans and hate being human and
because they are so stupid, they cant handle all these emotions and
powers of cognitive thought that we humans are blessed with. All I
would put to them is this.
If you love animals so much, become one. But don’t come crying to me
when a hippo sits on you.
Important News Story of the Week
It has emerged this week that a man in Canada has bought a book of
stamps. The man, who is not believed to be dangerous, went into his
local grocers and paid for the stamps, suspected to be a book of 6,
using cash. Police are currently trying to ascertain whether the
cash used to purchase the stamps was gained from criminal activity
or indeed was from the man’s day job as a van driver. At this stage,
police are telling the public not be alarmed and to go about their
business as usual until further details of the incident emerge.
Understandably the police are trying to keep the public calm but
this has not allayed the fears of local residents.
One eye witness, who did not wish to be named, told local reporters
“It all happened so fast. One minute he went in without stamps, and
then the next he came back with stamps. I just don’t know what to
think. You never think something like this could happen in your
neighbourhood.”
Weather Forecast
Weak winds in the east giving way to stronger winds as the winds get
stronger. Snow is not expected although rain is also not expected.
Fact of the Day
Milk and Milk both have the same basic ingredient: Milk.
Sling An Email To Rosetta!
Rosetta, that tartan scheme-ster, I feel the need to put all fears
to bed. Contrary to reports on Al Jazeera and Channel 4 news, I was
not abducted by corduroy loving desert bandits. Nor was I, (as
according to Reuters), at the centre of an inter continental
sellotape smuggling cartel. I even read that I was dead, shot by the
mysterious terrorist group ‘Brothers (with guns) against Things’.
I can reassure all of you that no such things ever happened and that
whilst I have been away, at no point was I in any danger (apart from
a run in with a group of over zealous and under sexed chimps). The
only explanation for my absence has been sheer laziness. Now that
I'm back (assuming the Duke in all his totem pole-esque greatness
allows me back) things are going to be different around here. Gone
are my ramblings about things that never happened and in their place
will be hard hitting journalism, biting at the core of our (i.e.
your) moral conscience. We (i.e. me) have a duty to everybody across
this land to tell things like it is. Starting from now…
Well, sort of.
Whereas I may be slightly more up to date, and generally more
relevant with my material, the madness shall remain in a slightly
more tempered form. I will still be writing about whatever I feel
like (whatever that damn Duke thinks) and you will just have to like
it or lump it. But please like it. I need to be loved.
So, Tory Idol has ended and David ‘the boy’ Cameron has beaten David
‘David’ Davies to the position of Lead Heckler of the Labour party.
No real surprises there as Cameron was widely tipped to win. One
thing vexes me though. Do the conservative supporters realise they
have voted someone to the head of their party who looks like a
little girl?
Every time I look at him I just want to tuck him and tell him a bed
time story.(does that make me creepy?) In any case, I think it’s
quite ironic that as the Conservative Party search for the leader
they have not had since Thatcher (the ‘Iron Lady’ and a woman with
obvious male attributes), they have chosen a man who could grace the
cover of Cosmo. Or even Wee Teen Magazine.
Hail Davina Cameron!!
Hurrah, its nearly Christmas. My favourite time of December! There
are only two things I hate about Christmas. Aled Jones’ bedamned
‘We're Walking in the Air’ is one, although that can be helped with
a combination of a steady arm and a crossbow. The other is un-
festive scroogey type people. You know, that whole “Oh I hate
Christmas" brigade. Man, how miserable do you have to be to hate
Christmas? Sick twisted freaks. I can understand people who have
family who died at Christmas and it brings sad memories but that
isn't Christmas’ fault.
Unless Santa killed them.
Christmas is supposed to be a fun time, you know, seeing family,
friends, getting presents and all that jazz. It’s meant to be a good
time and I think that all those people who seemingly hate it can go
and shove a melon up their arse. At least then they’d have something
to complain about.
Fake News Story of the Week
A man was arrested in lower east upper west Swindon on Thursday of
last week suspected of having two legs. Police believe the man, who
cannot be named due to lack of knowledge, came into the possession
of the suspected legs at birth. Following a tip off from security
forces in Hanoi, Police swooped on the man, aged between 1 and the
average life expectancy for a man, as he shopped for trousers for
the legs in question. Police believe the man was trying to hide the
legs in order to smuggle them out of Swindon, perhaps with the
intention of selling them on in the black market. Police are also
trying to trace the man’s mother, who they wish to question in
connection with supplying the legs to the man. Sergeant Charlie
Gould, of the Swindon Metropolitan Police, said “We do not think
that the crocodile was a threat to the pensioners.”
Weather Forecast
Rain in places, no rain elsewhere.
Fact of the Day
A kangaroo can fit 3 pounds of sugar in its pouch (with Joey).
Sling An Email To Rosetta!