THE DUKE ON SPIRAL
Email correspondence from The Duke De Mondo to The Harry Knowles
Digest, aka Aint It Cool News.
Hey Harry, Mori, miscellaneous. I have, in the past, reviewed
under the pseudonym Ed Wood, but I since found out that's Johnny
Depp’s birth name or something, and so for this reason, and also
tax reasons and such, I would ask that I hereby be referred to
as The Duke De Mondo, or possibly The Duke.
Today I will reveal the horrific truth behind The Video What
Kills, with this assessment of the original sequel to The
Ringu – Spiral, A.K.A The One What Was So Shit They Went Ahead
And Pretended It Never Existed.
It’s released on DVD, and I worry that some might purchase it.
The Duke De Mondo On The Spiral
I was on such a roll, too.
Over the last while, my Filmic Assessing has been impeccable.
Everything The Duke viewed, from Lucio Fulci’s House By The
Cemetery, to Todd Phillips’ The Gay Police, was delightful.
Perhaps credit of some sort should be given to the filmmakers
themselves, but really, most of the praise should be emailed to
The Duke.
But before you get all awe-struck and generally bent-backed
regarding this Midas-esque work on my behalf, let me make a
confession.
The run has been broken.
The roll has turned from a fine, rolling affair, to a stunted
shudder, like a car what roars along some abandoned Texas
highway, stopping only for to pick up fine looking prostitutes
who say, “No, shit, let us pay YOU!”, and then suddenly makes a
wrong turn and winds up bumper-deep in rancid slurry-paste.
Some of you may well have seen Rasen, also known as The Spiral,
commonly referred to as The One That Was So Shit They Went Ahead
And Pretended It Never Existed, but for those of you who
haven't, or are confused as to what the hell is being banged on
about, let me explain.
The Ringu, a popular Japanese gross-out comedy, was something of
a mild hit amongst the Asian cinema-going community. Some of
them liked it so damn much that they pleaded with the artists in
question, “Oh, for fucks sakes, won’t you grant us a sequel?”
Well, they didn’t have long to wait, until someone decided the
time was right to unleash The One That Was So Shit They Went
Ahead And Pretended It never Existed.
The Spiral picks up directly after events in The Ringu, meaning
that we follow the woman from the first one and her little boy
as they try to sneak the cursed videotape what kills you into
her dad’s VCR while he’s having a nap. The poor old bugger gets
up expecting to see Blowjobs And So On 8, and instead gets some
diseased woman crawling out of the telly chasing him around the
room in a sort of shaky-limbed manner.
Next thing you know, the woman and child are on death row,
charged with Murder By Video Tape What Kills, and Jodie Foster
makes a cameo as a lawyer.
Well, that’s what might have happened, maybe in some parallel
universe where folks complain cause Janet Jackson wears too much
underwear.
But in the real world, the one we live in until such times as
SPAM emails offer us an escape from it all via a red pill and
some penis-stretching equipment, the events of The Spiral take a
somewhat different turn.
Because no one really is very interested in the mother and child
and the parenticide. Lets face it, everyone was shitting
themselves with excitement to find out what the fuck ever
happened to the guy that died after the crawly-woman arrived.
Yeah, sure, he died, but what happened?
Well, here’s what happened, according to the good folks behind
The One That Was So Shit They Pretended It Never Existed.
Turns out this bloke had a friend back in the day, the day being
the day after he enrolled at Med School, and then for a few days
after. So this friend is now a bloke what does autopsies, but
he's also suicidal it would appear, since we see him holding a
knife to his wrists, but since such piffle is never examined
again, we could also assume he was trying to burst some fucking
acne growth of some such on his skin, but there’s no time to
worry about that, since the bloke what died starts talking to
him, saying things like “Why the fuck are you cutting me up?
What’s with all this gore? What’s going on?”
We also learn that back in the day we discussed earlier, these
two fools had some sort of communist code worked out, for fun,
and they would send each other messages, and encode them with
numbers, so, 1=A and 6=, perhaps Q, and 43876543265843 probably
means “That Professor Is A Cocksucker.” Then they might giggle a
bit.
Anyway, during the course of the autopsy, this gentleman finds a
piece of brown paper hidden away amidst the dead fella’s guts,
and wouldn’t you know it? It’s got a code on it.
Maybe he knew he was going to die, and so swallowed some paper
so that when this great friend of his sawed his ribs open, he’d
find it, and know exactly what to do.
He wants him to destroy that dang old video that’s been killing
folks and generally getting all uppity.
And then there’s some nonsense about the video, but there’s also
this journal, what the woman in the first film kept, and it
turns out people who read this fucking pretentious nonsense get
some virus of some sort.
Maybe smallpox?
Nope, it’s not smallpox, because believe it or not, these people
actually CONSIDER the notion that it might be smallpox. Buts
it's not. It’s some other fuckin carry-on of some sort.
Anyhow, Sadako isn’t a little girl any more either. She’s this
grown up lingerie model who still crawls out of the telly on
occasion, but instead of jerky-limbing about the living room,
she just gets down to some soft-focus sexing with the viewer,
which sounds like a fine night in to me. But trust these
professional types to complain. I want my porn VIRTUAL, they
holler, it’s time we killed this trans-media hussy.
But it turns out Sadako wants to rule the world, and that bloke
that died with the paper in his guts, he thinks it’s a pretty
swell idea. So they go about cloning the cells of the doctor
bloke’s dead son and then using Sadako’s woman bits to recreate
the child “at exactly the age he was when he died.”
Around this bit I was almost starting to forget about Jodie
Foster.
Also, they’re gonna publish those journals so that everyone who
reads them dies on account of this daft fucking virus that
definitely isn’t smallpox.
What a load of shit, you might be thinking. And you would be
absolutely right. This is utter crud, dangling from the rancid
arse-hairs of some gargantuan toss-stained rectum.
After this was released, Hideo Nakata, what made The Ringu, went
ahead and made The Ringu 2, and even though it was also
ridiculous horseshit, it at least had the decency to do away
with the soft-focus sexing and the lingerie-model and the
smallpox. And everyone forgot about The One That Was So Shit
They Went Ahead And Pretended It Never Existed.
The Spiral is easily the worst film I have saw in the last five
years, and in that time I have saw not only Swimfan, but also
other stuff which was equally crap, stuff like Unfaithful or
Eddie Murphy On The Moon, and this is still the biggest hunk of
shitcake of the lot. In fact, it is even worse than The Ringu 0,
which went back in time via some fucked-up nostalgia machine of
some kind, to show Sadako at ballet-school and then John
Travolta throws a bucket of pigs blood at her.
And I paid twenty quid for this cack.
Quote For The Poster -
"What a load of cunting old fuck. I'd rather bathe in Satans
wank than endure this fucking old bollocks ever the fuck again."
The Duke De Mondo from off of www.mondoirlando.com
Thanks folks.
Drop The Duke A Line
Digest, aka Aint It Cool News.
Hey Harry, Mori, miscellaneous. I have, in the past, reviewed
under the pseudonym Ed Wood, but I since found out that's Johnny
Depp’s birth name or something, and so for this reason, and also
tax reasons and such, I would ask that I hereby be referred to
as The Duke De Mondo, or possibly The Duke.
Today I will reveal the horrific truth behind The Video What
Kills, with this assessment of the original sequel to The
Ringu – Spiral, A.K.A The One What Was So Shit They Went Ahead
And Pretended It Never Existed.
It’s released on DVD, and I worry that some might purchase it.
The Duke De Mondo On The Spiral
I was on such a roll, too.
Over the last while, my Filmic Assessing has been impeccable.
Everything The Duke viewed, from Lucio Fulci’s House By The
Cemetery, to Todd Phillips’ The Gay Police, was delightful.
Perhaps credit of some sort should be given to the filmmakers
themselves, but really, most of the praise should be emailed to
The Duke.
But before you get all awe-struck and generally bent-backed
regarding this Midas-esque work on my behalf, let me make a
confession.
The run has been broken.
The roll has turned from a fine, rolling affair, to a stunted
shudder, like a car what roars along some abandoned Texas
highway, stopping only for to pick up fine looking prostitutes
who say, “No, shit, let us pay YOU!”, and then suddenly makes a
wrong turn and winds up bumper-deep in rancid slurry-paste.
Some of you may well have seen Rasen, also known as The Spiral,
commonly referred to as The One That Was So Shit They Went Ahead
And Pretended It Never Existed, but for those of you who
haven't, or are confused as to what the hell is being banged on
about, let me explain.
The Ringu, a popular Japanese gross-out comedy, was something of
a mild hit amongst the Asian cinema-going community. Some of
them liked it so damn much that they pleaded with the artists in
question, “Oh, for fucks sakes, won’t you grant us a sequel?”
Well, they didn’t have long to wait, until someone decided the
time was right to unleash The One That Was So Shit They Went
Ahead And Pretended It never Existed.
The Spiral picks up directly after events in The Ringu, meaning
that we follow the woman from the first one and her little boy
as they try to sneak the cursed videotape what kills you into
her dad’s VCR while he’s having a nap. The poor old bugger gets
up expecting to see Blowjobs And So On 8, and instead gets some
diseased woman crawling out of the telly chasing him around the
room in a sort of shaky-limbed manner.
Next thing you know, the woman and child are on death row,
charged with Murder By Video Tape What Kills, and Jodie Foster
makes a cameo as a lawyer.
Well, that’s what might have happened, maybe in some parallel
universe where folks complain cause Janet Jackson wears too much
underwear.
But in the real world, the one we live in until such times as
SPAM emails offer us an escape from it all via a red pill and
some penis-stretching equipment, the events of The Spiral take a
somewhat different turn.
Because no one really is very interested in the mother and child
and the parenticide. Lets face it, everyone was shitting
themselves with excitement to find out what the fuck ever
happened to the guy that died after the crawly-woman arrived.
Yeah, sure, he died, but what happened?
Well, here’s what happened, according to the good folks behind
The One That Was So Shit They Pretended It Never Existed.
Turns out this bloke had a friend back in the day, the day being
the day after he enrolled at Med School, and then for a few days
after. So this friend is now a bloke what does autopsies, but
he's also suicidal it would appear, since we see him holding a
knife to his wrists, but since such piffle is never examined
again, we could also assume he was trying to burst some fucking
acne growth of some such on his skin, but there’s no time to
worry about that, since the bloke what died starts talking to
him, saying things like “Why the fuck are you cutting me up?
What’s with all this gore? What’s going on?”
We also learn that back in the day we discussed earlier, these
two fools had some sort of communist code worked out, for fun,
and they would send each other messages, and encode them with
numbers, so, 1=A and 6=, perhaps Q, and 43876543265843 probably
means “That Professor Is A Cocksucker.” Then they might giggle a
bit.
Anyway, during the course of the autopsy, this gentleman finds a
piece of brown paper hidden away amidst the dead fella’s guts,
and wouldn’t you know it? It’s got a code on it.
Maybe he knew he was going to die, and so swallowed some paper
so that when this great friend of his sawed his ribs open, he’d
find it, and know exactly what to do.
He wants him to destroy that dang old video that’s been killing
folks and generally getting all uppity.
And then there’s some nonsense about the video, but there’s also
this journal, what the woman in the first film kept, and it
turns out people who read this fucking pretentious nonsense get
some virus of some sort.
Maybe smallpox?
Nope, it’s not smallpox, because believe it or not, these people
actually CONSIDER the notion that it might be smallpox. Buts
it's not. It’s some other fuckin carry-on of some sort.
Anyhow, Sadako isn’t a little girl any more either. She’s this
grown up lingerie model who still crawls out of the telly on
occasion, but instead of jerky-limbing about the living room,
she just gets down to some soft-focus sexing with the viewer,
which sounds like a fine night in to me. But trust these
professional types to complain. I want my porn VIRTUAL, they
holler, it’s time we killed this trans-media hussy.
But it turns out Sadako wants to rule the world, and that bloke
that died with the paper in his guts, he thinks it’s a pretty
swell idea. So they go about cloning the cells of the doctor
bloke’s dead son and then using Sadako’s woman bits to recreate
the child “at exactly the age he was when he died.”
Around this bit I was almost starting to forget about Jodie
Foster.
Also, they’re gonna publish those journals so that everyone who
reads them dies on account of this daft fucking virus that
definitely isn’t smallpox.
What a load of shit, you might be thinking. And you would be
absolutely right. This is utter crud, dangling from the rancid
arse-hairs of some gargantuan toss-stained rectum.
After this was released, Hideo Nakata, what made The Ringu, went
ahead and made The Ringu 2, and even though it was also
ridiculous horseshit, it at least had the decency to do away
with the soft-focus sexing and the lingerie-model and the
smallpox. And everyone forgot about The One That Was So Shit
They Went Ahead And Pretended It Never Existed.
The Spiral is easily the worst film I have saw in the last five
years, and in that time I have saw not only Swimfan, but also
other stuff which was equally crap, stuff like Unfaithful or
Eddie Murphy On The Moon, and this is still the biggest hunk of
shitcake of the lot. In fact, it is even worse than The Ringu 0,
which went back in time via some fucked-up nostalgia machine of
some kind, to show Sadako at ballet-school and then John
Travolta throws a bucket of pigs blood at her.
And I paid twenty quid for this cack.
Quote For The Poster -
"What a load of cunting old fuck. I'd rather bathe in Satans
wank than endure this fucking old bollocks ever the fuck again."
The Duke De Mondo from off of www.mondoirlando.com
Thanks folks.
Drop The Duke A Line
