Email correspondence from The Duke De Mondo to The Harry Knowles Digest, aka Aint It Cool News.
Hey Harry, Mori, miscellaneous. I have, in the past, reviewed under the pseudonym Ed Wood, but I since found out that's Johnny Depp’s birth name or something, and so for this reason, and also tax reasons and such, I would ask that I hereby be referred to as The Duke De Mondo, or possibly The Duke.
Today I will reveal the horrific truth behind The Video What Kills, with this assessment of the original sequel to The Ringu – Spiral, A.K.A The One What Was So Shit They Went Ahead And Pretended It Never Existed.
It’s released on DVD, and I worry that some might purchase it.
The Duke De Mondo On The Spiral
I was on such a roll, too.
Over the last while, my Filmic Assessing has been impeccable. Everything The Duke viewed, from Lucio Fulci’s House By The Cemetery, to Todd Phillips’ The Gay Police, was delightful. Perhaps credit of some sort should be given to the filmmakers themselves, but really, most of the praise should be emailed to The Duke.
But before you get all awe-struck and generally bent-backed regarding this Midas-esque work on my behalf, let me make a confession.
The run has been broken.
The roll has turned from a fine, rolling affair, to a stunted shudder, like a car what roars along some abandoned Texas highway, stopping only for to pick up fine looking prostitutes who say, “No, shit, let us pay YOU!”, and then suddenly makes a wrong turn and winds up bumper-deep in rancid slurry-paste.
Some of you may well have seen Rasen, also known as The Spiral, commonly referred to as The One That Was So Shit They Went Ahead And Pretended It Never Existed, but for those of you who haven't, or are confused as to what the hell is being banged on about, let me explain.
The Ringu, a popular Japanese gross-out comedy, was something of a mild hit amongst the Asian cinema-going community. Some of them liked it so damn much that they pleaded with the artists in question, “Oh, for fucks sakes, won’t you grant us a sequel?”
Well, they didn’t have long to wait, until someone decided the time was right to unleash The One That Was So Shit They Went Ahead And Pretended It never Existed.
The Spiral picks up directly after events in The Ringu, meaning that we follow the woman from the first one and her little boy as they try to sneak the cursed videotape what kills you into her dad’s VCR while he’s having a nap. The poor old bugger gets up expecting to see Blowjobs And So On 8, and instead gets some diseased woman crawling out of the telly chasing him around the room in a sort of shaky-limbed manner.
Next thing you know, the woman and child are on death row, charged with Murder By Video Tape What Kills, and Jodie Foster makes a cameo as a lawyer.
Well, that’s what might have happened, maybe in some parallel universe where folks complain cause Janet Jackson wears too much underwear.
But in the real world, the one we live in until such times as SPAM emails offer us an escape from it all via a red pill and some penis-stretching equipment, the events of The Spiral take a somewhat different turn.
Because no one really is very interested in the mother and child and the parenticide. Lets face it, everyone was shitting themselves with excitement to find out what the fuck ever happened to the guy that died after the crawly-woman arrived.
Yeah, sure, he died, but what happened?
Well, here’s what happened, according to the good folks behind The One That Was So Shit They Pretended It Never Existed.
Turns out this bloke had a friend back in the day, the day being the day after he enrolled at Med School, and then for a few days after. So this friend is now a bloke what does autopsies, but he's also suicidal it would appear, since we see him holding a knife to his wrists, but since such piffle is never examined again, we could also assume he was trying to burst some fucking acne growth of some such on his skin, but there’s no time to worry about that, since the bloke what died starts talking to him, saying things like “Why the fuck are you cutting me up? What’s with all this gore? What’s going on?”
We also learn that back in the day we discussed earlier, these two fools had some sort of communist code worked out, for fun, and they would send each other messages, and encode them with numbers, so, 1=A and 6=, perhaps Q, and 43876543265843 probably means “That Professor Is A Cocksucker.” Then they might giggle a bit.
Anyway, during the course of the autopsy, this gentleman finds a piece of brown paper hidden away amidst the dead fella’s guts, and wouldn’t you know it? It’s got a code on it.
Maybe he knew he was going to die, and so swallowed some paper so that when this great friend of his sawed his ribs open, he’d find it, and know exactly what to do.
He wants him to destroy that dang old video that’s been killing folks and generally getting all uppity.
And then there’s some nonsense about the video, but there’s also this journal, what the woman in the first film kept, and it turns out people who read this fucking pretentious nonsense get some virus of some sort.
Nope, it’s not smallpox, because believe it or not, these people actually CONSIDER the notion that it might be smallpox. Buts it's not. It’s some other fuckin carry-on of some sort.
Anyhow, Sadako isn’t a little girl any more either. She’s this grown up lingerie model who still crawls out of the telly on occasion, but instead of jerky-limbing about the living room, she just gets down to some soft-focus sexing with the viewer, which sounds like a fine night in to me. But trust these professional types to complain. I want my porn VIRTUAL, they holler, it’s time we killed this trans-media hussy.
But it turns out Sadako wants to rule the world, and that bloke that died with the paper in his guts, he thinks it’s a pretty swell idea. So they go about cloning the cells of the doctor bloke’s dead son and then using Sadako’s woman bits to recreate the child “at exactly the age he was when he died.”
Around this bit I was almost starting to forget about Jodie Foster.
Also, they’re gonna publish those journals so that everyone who reads them dies on account of this daft fucking virus that definitely isn’t smallpox.
What a load of shit, you might be thinking. And you would be absolutely right. This is utter crud, dangling from the rancid arse-hairs of some gargantuan toss-stained rectum.
After this was released, Hideo Nakata, what made The Ringu, went ahead and made The Ringu 2, and even though it was also ridiculous horseshit, it at least had the decency to do away with the soft-focus sexing and the lingerie-model and the smallpox. And everyone forgot about The One That Was So Shit They Went Ahead And Pretended It Never Existed.
The Spiral is easily the worst film I have saw in the last five years, and in that time I have saw not only Swimfan, but also other stuff which was equally crap, stuff like Unfaithful or Eddie Murphy On The Moon, and this is still the biggest hunk of shitcake of the lot. In fact, it is even worse than The Ringu 0, which went back in time via some fucked-up nostalgia machine of some kind, to show Sadako at ballet-school and then John Travolta throws a bucket of pigs blood at her.
And I paid twenty quid for this cack.
Quote For The Poster -
"What a load of cunting old fuck. I'd rather bathe in Satans wank than endure this fucking old bollocks ever the fuck again."
The Duke De Mondo from off of www.mondoirlando.com