THE DUKE ON
TEAM AMERICA
TEAM AMERICA
It’s a mad, crazy, demented time, man, when the only folks saying a
damn thing worth listening to are a buncha fucking puppets. In
fact, you might wanna go ahead and refer to them as “marionettes”,
since it sounds better when you wanna quote them in intellectual
conversation. “As the marionettes said…” and so on.
Who the hell would pay attention to a fella yacking on about what
some puppet said? What kind of fucking simpleton are you anyway,
would be the general consensus. Take your talk about puppets and
shove it up your asshole, you clown. That’s what you are, man. A
clown. Fuck your puppets, you clown.
And so on and so forth.
Worse still, the sons a bitches responsible for this alarming turn
of events also conspired to ensure that a damn cartoon show was
more enlightened, reasoned and intelligent than the news bulletins
before and after. Whole damn world’s upside down, is what.
So any the hell way, what this all relates to is that the folks
behind South Park and Orgazmo and Cannibal – The Musical have gone
ahead and crafted yet another flick that’s stuffed to the nuts with
the satire and the irony and the swearing. The twist is that this
time it’s an action flick, except starring puppets, puppets who
blow things up and have inventive, mathematically improbable sexing
and also say “fuck” a lot.
It’s like Thunderbirds, except instead of characters called Brains
we get writers who have them, and instead of subtly-suggested
homosexuality we get jokes about “Now, suck my cock.”
I never liked Thunderbirds, to be honest. Maybe it’s because Cliff
Richard was involved (appearing as a puppet in the first feature
film, Thunderbirds Are Go), or maybe it’s because I found it a bit
dull, or maybe I just felt there was nothing contained therein that
A Nightmare On Elm Street 2 – Freddy’s Revenge couldn’t surpass.
Whatever the reason, I couldn’t be fucked watching a bunch a
puppets.
Kids don’t give a shit about puppets and rockets in this day and
age, is what The Duke has gone ahead and supposed. Not when
programming like Sex, Death And Wildebeest can be found by taking
ten seconds for to browse through the foreign stations on satellite
telly.
Anyway, what Team America concerns itself with, is satirizing
American foreign policy and also Hollywood action cinema. The joke
here is that America is actually a “country”, and not a “team”, and
also, Hollywood action flicks usually don’t have many puppets.
What we get, then, are a bunch a puppets racing around the world in
pursuit of terrorists, terrorists with big grey beards who say
“Dirka dirka dirka” because, let’s face it, if it’s not English,
then most likely it’s a bunch a fucking gibberish.
The terrorist stuff is probably among the most worthwhile elements
of Team America, coming across like a contemporary, filmic
adaptation of Bob Dylan’s classic Talkin’ John Birch Paranoid
Blues. Those terrorists, man, they’re everywhere! And each and
every one has exactly the same motives and ideology, no matter who
the hell supplies the Weapons Of Mass Destruction.
Into all this wanders a young, handsome (for a fucking puppet)
Broadway actor whose talents are desperately required for to bring
down the folks with the bombs and the “Dirka Dirka” speak. Y’know,
cause actors are much more effective than, say, governments or shit
like that when it comes to resolving international dispute.
That right there is one of the two main arguments flung about the
place in Team America; America acts like a motherfucking maniac
when let loose for ten damn seconds, and actors really do believe
that because we saw them hang off a cliff or die of hunger in some
god awful pish, we really want them to be saying anything other
than “Nooooo!!!!” or possibly “I’m too old for this shit.”
Let’s take a drastic twist right about now, however, and slap on
the old “honesty” hat, maybe with the “objectivity” trenchcoat
that's been hanging moth-molested in the cupboard; Neither of these
arguments are particularly earth-shattering. Oliver Stone’s been
yacking on about barbaric military types for decades, and as for
the revelation that actors are blinded by their own arrogance,
well, who finds that shocking? Nobody listens to a damn word these
folks say. Who casts a vote based on the musings of some fella from
a film with Madonna one time?
We know all this, man.
In fact, if you wanted to maybe push a boundary or two, you can
argue that Team America is just as arrogant and misguided as those
folks who use their Best Actor speech for to protest fishing.
Just like those pompous knobs, so Parker and Stone assume that not
only have we never in our lives thought such revelatory thoughts,
but also, that they alone are the only ones brave enough to stand
up and say shit like, “Hey, actors are fools and also action movies
are stupid as all fuck.”
Last Action Hero, motherfucker. That told us all there was to know.
Also, the puppet sex in Being John Malcovich was arguably funnier,
and even had the delightful John Cusack involved.
So what the sweet hell’s going on?
What’s going on is that even though the arguments and such in Team
America are as predictable as an erection at a peep-show, it gets
away with most all of it on account of its very funny on occasion.
Sometimes the hilarity is more of a “nod and grin smugly” type deal
than a genuine laugh your rectum fuckless affair, but it’s never
less than amusing. The first ten minutes, dealing with a showdown
in Paris, are particularly inspired, as is the fantastically inept
cosmetic surgery sequence. Taken as a whole, though, it’s very
similar to the earlier South Park – Bigger, Longer And Uncut. The
novelty (then cartoons swearing, now puppets swearing) wears thin
rather quickly, and things tend to drag a tad in the third act.
Another, far more agreeable, similarity, is that the best thing
about it is the soundtrack. These are some fucking hilarious
ditties, is what.
Best of all is the main theme, America! Fuck Yeah!, although the
mournful, reflective version is probably the funnier. There’s also
the brilliant Freedom Don’t Come For Free, a dangerously sharp
country parody, complete with cat-meow accompaniment and a highly
disturbing Steve Earl-esque vocal. Also, the Montage number is
excellent, although I hear it’s been used previously on South Park,
so points cast aside right the fuck there.
Despite the hoopla about you ain’t exactly crawling into my brain
and expanding it beyond any scientific reason, Team America is well-
worth a gander, on account of when it hits the mark, it does so
with the authority of a bunch a puppets blowing the Eifel Tower to
bits.
Still, is there really any need for the swearing? That right there
is just a sign of a fucking limited vocabulary, you fucker heads.
Thanks folks.
Drop The Duke A Line
damn thing worth listening to are a buncha fucking puppets. In
fact, you might wanna go ahead and refer to them as “marionettes”,
since it sounds better when you wanna quote them in intellectual
conversation. “As the marionettes said…” and so on.
Who the hell would pay attention to a fella yacking on about what
some puppet said? What kind of fucking simpleton are you anyway,
would be the general consensus. Take your talk about puppets and
shove it up your asshole, you clown. That’s what you are, man. A
clown. Fuck your puppets, you clown.
And so on and so forth.
Worse still, the sons a bitches responsible for this alarming turn
of events also conspired to ensure that a damn cartoon show was
more enlightened, reasoned and intelligent than the news bulletins
before and after. Whole damn world’s upside down, is what.
So any the hell way, what this all relates to is that the folks
behind South Park and Orgazmo and Cannibal – The Musical have gone
ahead and crafted yet another flick that’s stuffed to the nuts with
the satire and the irony and the swearing. The twist is that this
time it’s an action flick, except starring puppets, puppets who
blow things up and have inventive, mathematically improbable sexing
and also say “fuck” a lot.
It’s like Thunderbirds, except instead of characters called Brains
we get writers who have them, and instead of subtly-suggested
homosexuality we get jokes about “Now, suck my cock.”
I never liked Thunderbirds, to be honest. Maybe it’s because Cliff
Richard was involved (appearing as a puppet in the first feature
film, Thunderbirds Are Go), or maybe it’s because I found it a bit
dull, or maybe I just felt there was nothing contained therein that
A Nightmare On Elm Street 2 – Freddy’s Revenge couldn’t surpass.
Whatever the reason, I couldn’t be fucked watching a bunch a
puppets.
Kids don’t give a shit about puppets and rockets in this day and
age, is what The Duke has gone ahead and supposed. Not when
programming like Sex, Death And Wildebeest can be found by taking
ten seconds for to browse through the foreign stations on satellite
telly.
Anyway, what Team America concerns itself with, is satirizing
American foreign policy and also Hollywood action cinema. The joke
here is that America is actually a “country”, and not a “team”, and
also, Hollywood action flicks usually don’t have many puppets.
What we get, then, are a bunch a puppets racing around the world in
pursuit of terrorists, terrorists with big grey beards who say
“Dirka dirka dirka” because, let’s face it, if it’s not English,
then most likely it’s a bunch a fucking gibberish.
The terrorist stuff is probably among the most worthwhile elements
of Team America, coming across like a contemporary, filmic
adaptation of Bob Dylan’s classic Talkin’ John Birch Paranoid
Blues. Those terrorists, man, they’re everywhere! And each and
every one has exactly the same motives and ideology, no matter who
the hell supplies the Weapons Of Mass Destruction.
Into all this wanders a young, handsome (for a fucking puppet)
Broadway actor whose talents are desperately required for to bring
down the folks with the bombs and the “Dirka Dirka” speak. Y’know,
cause actors are much more effective than, say, governments or shit
like that when it comes to resolving international dispute.
That right there is one of the two main arguments flung about the
place in Team America; America acts like a motherfucking maniac
when let loose for ten damn seconds, and actors really do believe
that because we saw them hang off a cliff or die of hunger in some
god awful pish, we really want them to be saying anything other
than “Nooooo!!!!” or possibly “I’m too old for this shit.”
Let’s take a drastic twist right about now, however, and slap on
the old “honesty” hat, maybe with the “objectivity” trenchcoat
that's been hanging moth-molested in the cupboard; Neither of these
arguments are particularly earth-shattering. Oliver Stone’s been
yacking on about barbaric military types for decades, and as for
the revelation that actors are blinded by their own arrogance,
well, who finds that shocking? Nobody listens to a damn word these
folks say. Who casts a vote based on the musings of some fella from
a film with Madonna one time?
We know all this, man.
In fact, if you wanted to maybe push a boundary or two, you can
argue that Team America is just as arrogant and misguided as those
folks who use their Best Actor speech for to protest fishing.
Just like those pompous knobs, so Parker and Stone assume that not
only have we never in our lives thought such revelatory thoughts,
but also, that they alone are the only ones brave enough to stand
up and say shit like, “Hey, actors are fools and also action movies
are stupid as all fuck.”
Last Action Hero, motherfucker. That told us all there was to know.
Also, the puppet sex in Being John Malcovich was arguably funnier,
and even had the delightful John Cusack involved.
So what the sweet hell’s going on?
What’s going on is that even though the arguments and such in Team
America are as predictable as an erection at a peep-show, it gets
away with most all of it on account of its very funny on occasion.
Sometimes the hilarity is more of a “nod and grin smugly” type deal
than a genuine laugh your rectum fuckless affair, but it’s never
less than amusing. The first ten minutes, dealing with a showdown
in Paris, are particularly inspired, as is the fantastically inept
cosmetic surgery sequence. Taken as a whole, though, it’s very
similar to the earlier South Park – Bigger, Longer And Uncut. The
novelty (then cartoons swearing, now puppets swearing) wears thin
rather quickly, and things tend to drag a tad in the third act.
Another, far more agreeable, similarity, is that the best thing
about it is the soundtrack. These are some fucking hilarious
ditties, is what.
Best of all is the main theme, America! Fuck Yeah!, although the
mournful, reflective version is probably the funnier. There’s also
the brilliant Freedom Don’t Come For Free, a dangerously sharp
country parody, complete with cat-meow accompaniment and a highly
disturbing Steve Earl-esque vocal. Also, the Montage number is
excellent, although I hear it’s been used previously on South Park,
so points cast aside right the fuck there.
Despite the hoopla about you ain’t exactly crawling into my brain
and expanding it beyond any scientific reason, Team America is well-
worth a gander, on account of when it hits the mark, it does so
with the authority of a bunch a puppets blowing the Eifel Tower to
bits.
Still, is there really any need for the swearing? That right there
is just a sign of a fucking limited vocabulary, you fucker heads.
Thanks folks.
Drop The Duke A Line
