THE DUKE ON
TERMINAL INVASION
TERMINAL INVASION
What The Duke has learned from watching the film by the name of
Terminal Invasion, directed by none other than Friday 13th’s
Sean S. Cunningham, is that Bruce Campbell is at the very least
99% more useful than The Government. The Government go to great
lengths to make sure that no coke-riddled AK47-tooting
terrorists get past airport security, but Bruce knows that the
only way to keep the skies free from the threat of some
diabolical catastrophe, is to put everyone through the airport
X-Ray machines for to ensure that the folks are indeed human,
and not filthy aliens out to enslave mankind.
It’s the tiny details like that which ensure Bruce would get my
vote, if he were ever to stand in the Northern Ireland
elections.
What Terminal Invasion concerns itself with, is that Bruce is a
rugged convict, on his way to some maximum security prison of
some kind. I’m guessing he probably was the meanest
motherfucker the streets have ever known, but all the script
tells us is that he’s a murderer. Still, not only has he got
stubble, but his name is Jack, so we know he’s just about the
hardest of the hardcore.
What happens is that there’s a blizzard of Emmerich
proportions, and Bruce and the two cops who are escorting him
to his new abode get caught up in all the snow, wind and so on,
meaning they have to abandon the car and go find somewhere to
hide out till this damn storm passes. Thankfully there’s an
airport nearby, filled with all manner of folks, most notably
Chase Masterson, surely the most attractive pilot since way
back when Tom Cruise was getting all homoerotic at the behest
of Don Simpson.
Tom Cruise lost points, though, on account of he was a male,
and even had a penis and probably at least two testicles.
Chase Masterson has nary a testicle to be seen, however, and is
also very attractive.
What happens is that a bunch of CGI aliens have infiltrated the
group assembled in the airport, and it’s up to Bruce and the
lovely Chase to find out who among them is going to be doing
the freaky shit with their eyes, and then melting into a big
puddle of pixelated purple stuff.
Since this was made for cable, we don’t get to see Bruce at his
maniacal best. Sometimes you just know he wants to lift a
chainsaw and saw the guts off an alien or two, but he can’t, on
account of The Network. Sean S Cunningham, also, surely feels
hindered by these restraints. Couple decades ago he was
sticking things through Kevin Bacon’s neck, but these days he
has to make do with some slow motion punches and a big fade to
black at the end of every revelation.
It’s like in He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe, when
Skeletor was just about to lift a sword and chop the hell out
of He-Man’s Aryan ass, but no, it fades to black, and when it
comes back again, he hasn’t lifted the sword yet, and He-Man’s
just in the right position to throw his anorexic nemesis off of
a cliff or some such.
He-Man didn’t have Bruce Campbell, though, and therefore loses
a considerable number of points.
Also holed up in the airport is a sassy black fella by the name
of Darian, and much amusement can be gained from observing
Darian and Bruce jostle for the best tough guy lines. At one
point Darian gets the marvellous “Don’t make me come over there
and slap the white off you”, but Bruce still reigns supreme
with his fantastic “You don't have to worry bout who I killed
last, just who I’m gonna kill next.”
If only Bruce had been a mathematical genius, too, then he
would surely have swept the motherfucking board at the Oscars.
Terminal Invasion wants to discuss with a fair amount of
enthusiasm and one-liners the panic and paranoia that has been
as evident in airports since 9/11 as drunken fellas trying to
cure their fear of flying by snorting malt liquor till it’s
running out their assholes. Sean S Cunningham knows that, post
9-11, we don’t feel too secure in the old terminal anymore.
Even that word, “terminal”, has the ring of fatality about it.
What he wants to do is to tap into that notion that the person
sitting next to us on the flight might just be waiting for the
perfect opportunity to smack their trainers off the floor and
blow the thing to fuck.
Not content with plain old human terrorism, though, Sean S
Cunningham gives us a bunch of shape-shifting demented Aliens
to worry about, too.
Thank fuck that Bruce Campbell and Chase Masterson know a thing
or two about kicking some extraterrestrial ass, even if it is
in a made-for-TV innards-free manner. Mind you, there’s a
couple exploding heads that are pleasingly messy.
Maybe it’s all about the catharsis and such. We know you’re
worried about all this jazz, is the thinking, so we’ll concoct
a tale through which you can, for an hour and a half, feel
secure in the knowledge that if anyone tries to get through
that airport, Bruce Campbell’s gonna beat the fuck out of them
with any number of nearby tools and fire extinguishers and so
on.
What would Aristotle say about it all? He’d probably say about
how motherfucking amazing Bruce Campbell is, I’m guessing.
Also, he might note that Chase Masterson is the most attractive
person ever to be called Chase.
If we take an intellectual approach to it all and, via the use
of some pie-charts and diagrams, try to deduce where Terminal
Invasion fits in The Cinema Of Bruce Campbell, we can see that,
whilst it’s not as good as glorious wonders like Bubba Ho-Tep
or Evil Dead 2 – Dead By Dawn, it’s still got enough classic
Bruce moments to elevate it higher than the likes of Fargo,
which had the cheek to utilise Mr Campbell for only a couple
seconds, having an episode of a soap-opera he used to star in
playing on a television.
Also, far as I recall, Chase Masterson wasn’t in Fargo,
although it did have Steve Buscemi. Still, it’s hardly much of
a substitute.
Sean S Cunningham knows a thing or two about tapping into the
zeitgeist and such. Just like he realised folks were keen to
see naked teenagers do a sex and then maybe get hit in the
teeth with a hatchet, and then went off and made Friday 13th
Part 1 – The One With No Jason, so he has realised that those
Asian horror things are pretty popular right now. To this end,
we get to see a kid riddled with Alien scum gland, doing a
jerky-limb dance like in The Ringu or whatever, when a woman
crawls out the telly.
Again, The Ringu didn’t have Bruce Campbell, so therefore
Terminal Invasion emerges as the better film. Even when they
remade it for American folks to watch, even then they didn’t
think of hiring Bruce.
What the fuck is wrong with you bastard studio heads anyhow?
You’re lucky you had Naomi Watts in that flick, otherwise I’d
be nigh-on deranged with rage.
The verdict of it all is that Terminal Invasion is the most
important film of the last century, most likely.
Thanks folks.
Fling The Duke An Email
Terminal Invasion, directed by none other than Friday 13th’s
Sean S. Cunningham, is that Bruce Campbell is at the very least
99% more useful than The Government. The Government go to great
lengths to make sure that no coke-riddled AK47-tooting
terrorists get past airport security, but Bruce knows that the
only way to keep the skies free from the threat of some
diabolical catastrophe, is to put everyone through the airport
X-Ray machines for to ensure that the folks are indeed human,
and not filthy aliens out to enslave mankind.
It’s the tiny details like that which ensure Bruce would get my
vote, if he were ever to stand in the Northern Ireland
elections.
What Terminal Invasion concerns itself with, is that Bruce is a
rugged convict, on his way to some maximum security prison of
some kind. I’m guessing he probably was the meanest
motherfucker the streets have ever known, but all the script
tells us is that he’s a murderer. Still, not only has he got
stubble, but his name is Jack, so we know he’s just about the
hardest of the hardcore.
What happens is that there’s a blizzard of Emmerich
proportions, and Bruce and the two cops who are escorting him
to his new abode get caught up in all the snow, wind and so on,
meaning they have to abandon the car and go find somewhere to
hide out till this damn storm passes. Thankfully there’s an
airport nearby, filled with all manner of folks, most notably
Chase Masterson, surely the most attractive pilot since way
back when Tom Cruise was getting all homoerotic at the behest
of Don Simpson.
Tom Cruise lost points, though, on account of he was a male,
and even had a penis and probably at least two testicles.
Chase Masterson has nary a testicle to be seen, however, and is
also very attractive.
What happens is that a bunch of CGI aliens have infiltrated the
group assembled in the airport, and it’s up to Bruce and the
lovely Chase to find out who among them is going to be doing
the freaky shit with their eyes, and then melting into a big
puddle of pixelated purple stuff.
Since this was made for cable, we don’t get to see Bruce at his
maniacal best. Sometimes you just know he wants to lift a
chainsaw and saw the guts off an alien or two, but he can’t, on
account of The Network. Sean S Cunningham, also, surely feels
hindered by these restraints. Couple decades ago he was
sticking things through Kevin Bacon’s neck, but these days he
has to make do with some slow motion punches and a big fade to
black at the end of every revelation.
It’s like in He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe, when
Skeletor was just about to lift a sword and chop the hell out
of He-Man’s Aryan ass, but no, it fades to black, and when it
comes back again, he hasn’t lifted the sword yet, and He-Man’s
just in the right position to throw his anorexic nemesis off of
a cliff or some such.
He-Man didn’t have Bruce Campbell, though, and therefore loses
a considerable number of points.
Also holed up in the airport is a sassy black fella by the name
of Darian, and much amusement can be gained from observing
Darian and Bruce jostle for the best tough guy lines. At one
point Darian gets the marvellous “Don’t make me come over there
and slap the white off you”, but Bruce still reigns supreme
with his fantastic “You don't have to worry bout who I killed
last, just who I’m gonna kill next.”
If only Bruce had been a mathematical genius, too, then he
would surely have swept the motherfucking board at the Oscars.
Terminal Invasion wants to discuss with a fair amount of
enthusiasm and one-liners the panic and paranoia that has been
as evident in airports since 9/11 as drunken fellas trying to
cure their fear of flying by snorting malt liquor till it’s
running out their assholes. Sean S Cunningham knows that, post
9-11, we don’t feel too secure in the old terminal anymore.
Even that word, “terminal”, has the ring of fatality about it.
What he wants to do is to tap into that notion that the person
sitting next to us on the flight might just be waiting for the
perfect opportunity to smack their trainers off the floor and
blow the thing to fuck.
Not content with plain old human terrorism, though, Sean S
Cunningham gives us a bunch of shape-shifting demented Aliens
to worry about, too.
Thank fuck that Bruce Campbell and Chase Masterson know a thing
or two about kicking some extraterrestrial ass, even if it is
in a made-for-TV innards-free manner. Mind you, there’s a
couple exploding heads that are pleasingly messy.
Maybe it’s all about the catharsis and such. We know you’re
worried about all this jazz, is the thinking, so we’ll concoct
a tale through which you can, for an hour and a half, feel
secure in the knowledge that if anyone tries to get through
that airport, Bruce Campbell’s gonna beat the fuck out of them
with any number of nearby tools and fire extinguishers and so
on.
What would Aristotle say about it all? He’d probably say about
how motherfucking amazing Bruce Campbell is, I’m guessing.
Also, he might note that Chase Masterson is the most attractive
person ever to be called Chase.
If we take an intellectual approach to it all and, via the use
of some pie-charts and diagrams, try to deduce where Terminal
Invasion fits in The Cinema Of Bruce Campbell, we can see that,
whilst it’s not as good as glorious wonders like Bubba Ho-Tep
or Evil Dead 2 – Dead By Dawn, it’s still got enough classic
Bruce moments to elevate it higher than the likes of Fargo,
which had the cheek to utilise Mr Campbell for only a couple
seconds, having an episode of a soap-opera he used to star in
playing on a television.
Also, far as I recall, Chase Masterson wasn’t in Fargo,
although it did have Steve Buscemi. Still, it’s hardly much of
a substitute.
Sean S Cunningham knows a thing or two about tapping into the
zeitgeist and such. Just like he realised folks were keen to
see naked teenagers do a sex and then maybe get hit in the
teeth with a hatchet, and then went off and made Friday 13th
Part 1 – The One With No Jason, so he has realised that those
Asian horror things are pretty popular right now. To this end,
we get to see a kid riddled with Alien scum gland, doing a
jerky-limb dance like in The Ringu or whatever, when a woman
crawls out the telly.
Again, The Ringu didn’t have Bruce Campbell, so therefore
Terminal Invasion emerges as the better film. Even when they
remade it for American folks to watch, even then they didn’t
think of hiring Bruce.
What the fuck is wrong with you bastard studio heads anyhow?
You’re lucky you had Naomi Watts in that flick, otherwise I’d
be nigh-on deranged with rage.
The verdict of it all is that Terminal Invasion is the most
important film of the last century, most likely.
Thanks folks.
Fling The Duke An Email
